James Maslow and Peta Murgatroyd: 35/40 Let's be real: Dancing a sexy samba was really just a way to get James and Peta to fess up to dating this week. I mean, the interviewer straight-up asked Peta if they were dating, to which she responded, "All I'm gonna say is I look forward to coming here and seeing him everyday." Mmhmm. I guess I would too if my "seeing him" involved "rubbing" and "hip action." You know what else involves those two things? Yes, you do, and I feel no need to say it. And I loved how James said they were "trying to keep it as platonic as possible right now," which means: We slip every now and then, but we try.
Sexual tension aside, this routine was kind of amazing. I admittedly laughed at the very literal take on the song "Gasolina," but I always enjoy a good strip tease. Following in Ricky Martin's footsteps, James also gave us some weird steering motion dance move, but I'll look past it because ABS. Other takeaways: Overalls are on their way back in style, but I really hope James Maslow isn't Regina George in this situation, because I don't want everyone to start rocking them quite like that. Let's just say, if that's the new style, I need to stop writing and hit the gym.
Bruno made a very sexual comment about how the dance blew his spark plugs before Carrie Ann fanned herself. Ricky called them the gift that keeps on giving, and Len thought that although the footwork could've been better, they never ran out of gas. Get it?
More host talk! Tom had this winner: "That's exactly what happens in the gas stations I go to." And a tip for Erin: If you have to say, "Here's a sarcastic comment," your delivery is probably off. However, the "Peta's so naked where would we put a mic?" comment was a graceful recovery, so I'm still torn.
Danica McKellar and Valentin Chmerkovskiy: 33/40 This salsa was all about sexiness and speed! Too bad Danica broke her rib in practice. Geez, Val. Don't you listen? She said you could touch her boob, not her rib! Always go for the fatty tissue, man!
But in all seriousness, Danica decided to press on. However, her texts were my fave.
"So yeah it's broken."
Genius. The routine, however, was a little confusing. In what Bruno would later label "salsa from the hood," this routine was more hip-hop than salsa. There were a few little hiccups in the execution, but nothing that Danica's hair didn't make up for. I wasn't sure what the motif was -- why were construction workers dancing? -- but I did appreciate how Danica was wearing a doctor-approved mesh top that would properly hold her abs in place. And let's not forget my favorite moment of the night when, at the end of the performance, Val totally gave Danica a "good game" vagina pat. It's the new ass pat, guys. I'm telling ya.
All the judges agreed that Danica's injury kept her from fully opening up and getting down and dirty in her movement, but they all knew she'd be back. More importantly, Erin called Ricky out on doing her job -- their engagement is SO off -- and Danica told everyone her healing secret: Twitter. I think Shia LaBeouf would disagree with her, but what do I know?
Speaking of which, Erin had a Twitter-related idea that even I can appreciate. She asked fans to tweet either #DWTSShirtOn or #DWTSShirtOff to decide how Tony would dance tonight. And yes, Tom, we "may have just witnessed the exact moment when social media jumped the shark," and I'm loving it. Spoiler: 90 percent of America -- a.k.a. this beautiful, ab-obsessed country we live in -- voted for Tony to take his shirt off. Cue it up, y'all!