Dancing With the Stars recap: Livin' La Vida Shirtless

Latin Night means more dances, more injuries, and fewer clothes; plus, one couple goes home
Ep. 07 | Aired Apr 28, 2014

As Erin Andrews would/did say, "Bienvenidos, everybody!" It was Latin Night in the ballroom, and Ricky Martin was ready to kick off the night like it was 1999! Literally. His big hit "Livin' la Vida Loca" came out in 1999. And suddenly I've explained my joke, and it's no longer funny. And yet I'm still talking. Let's refocus our attention on the half-naked professional dancers, shall we?

During Ricky's opening performance, I had a few thoughts. First, he clearly needed to wear better pants, because he could barely move in those, and personally, I felt robbed. Think of it this way: If Shakira has the best hips in this business, Martin is number two, and tonight, the only move he gave me was some weird hand motion where it looked like he was driving a car. Second thought: Why did only some of the men have their shirts/jackets open? I say, equality for all! Democracy needs more abs! Third thought: Ricky Martin hasn't really aged. I wonder what moisturizer he uses.

As a guest judge, Martin was looking for "passion, focus, and engaging." It wasn't really a complete thought, but Erin didn't care. As far as she was concerned, she was engaged to Ricky. Week after week, I'm convinced Erin is the one choosing these guest judges. And here's where I give a special shout-out to Peta's intro shimmy. Somebody either just drank a Red Bull or blew off a little steam backstage, if you get what I'm saying. *wink*

Sorry, I would say I'm done being gross, but I'm not! Did anyone else cringe when they realized that Dancing reject (and former Bachelor) Juan Pablo was sitting in the crowd with his girlfriend Nikki? Honestly, the person that put him in direct shot of the camera was a bit of a genius, but also made me feel incredibly awkward. And was he just there because he speaks Spanish and it was Latin night? (Side note: I have seen him move those hips, and he was better than Ricky Martin was earlier, so ...)

Amy Purdy and Derek Hough: 36/40 First up, Amy and Derek had to work on a passionate rumba, which brought up a lot of feelings for Amy, whose long-term relationship wasn't doing so hot. I would comment on how touching it all was, but I never got past this comment from Derek: "How do you feel about getting intimate?" For starters, that is the greatest opening line to any conversation ever, and now I can't stop imagining him saying it at the start of all of his dates. Guys, I want this to be my ringtone. In other important news: Derek is very sweet, a musical-for-one is the quickest way to cheer Amy up, and Derek should probably never write a song.

The dance itself had a very impressive starting pose, but I felt it could've used more hips. Perhaps my feelings just carried over from Ricky's opening, but this is Latin week, people! Shake it! Overall, their dance of love was lacking a bit of fire for me. And couldn't we see him instructing her at one point? I thought it was good but forgettable. The judges, however, disagreed with me. Len thought her movement was fluid, and Bruno loved the balance of sexuality and elegance. Carrie Ann called her Wonder Woman (but was mad about the lift), and Ricky couldn't even take notes through all the sensuality. As he put it, "I felt a lot. Thanks." Does it take a lot for you to feel, Ricky? Suddenly I'm attributing his lack of hip movement to his lack of feelings and a general sociopathy. It's clearly all in my head, but wouldn't it make for a good gossip column? Excuse me while I re-evaluate my life.

Also, who was the guy they cut to after the dance was over? Please tell me that wasn't her boyfriend, or I'm going to sue these cameramen for making me feel uncomfortable tonight. Go back to Juan Pabs if this is my other option!

And in host talk this week, I'm still on the fence with Erin. Half the time, she's kind of endearing and great. Other times, I'm cringing. Calling Derek "Dr. Phil" was the perfect example of that. Part of me was all "Good one, E" -- Yes, I call her "E" like we're on Gossip Girl -- and the other part of me was like, "Ughh." However, Tom's comment about there being "a lot of spray tanning this week" always gets an A in my book. That man can do no wrong.

NEXT: James and Peta are the opposite of platonic


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