'Dallas' recap: The Long Goodbye

The memorial was held at the Dallas Petroleum Club. Along with Gary, Ray Krebbs and Lucy were there. Bobby chatted with Dallas Mayor Mike Rawlings, Jerry Jones, and Mark Cuban (who told him that when the Mavs finally won that championship, J.R. sent him a note that just said "About time"). Sue Ellen, meanwhile, chatted with J.R.'s ex-wife Cally and mistress Mandy Winger about how hot J.R. was. "All right, let’s face it, he was as bad as they come, but he was as hot as hell," Cally argued. Mandy agreed: “He was hot as hell because he was as bad as they come.” There was a purpose to that conversation: Mandy said Sue Ellen was the lucky one because she made peace with J.R. and got over him. Sue Ellen explained that the many years of him lying and cheating on her had helped. Obviously, she hadn't gotten over J.R., and we wondered whether she'd join the ladies in a little bourbon and branch -- J.R.'s drink of choice being served. She didn't. Yet.

John Ross was drinking at the bar and didn’t want to be comforted by Christopher and Elena. When Elena said J.R. had touched a lot of lives, John Ross snapped back that half the people there came to make sure J.R. was really dead and the other half were there for the free drinks. Where was Pamela, I thought? Someone needs to be there just for John Ross. But then she did show up, and John Ross wouldn’t let her in either: She cares about herself and what makes her dad happy more than him, he said. He stormed off up the stairs, hearing people gossip about J.R.'s passing on the way. Emma was in a wine closet getting ready to take her pills. John Ross spotted her, took the bottle, read the label -- the sedative Clonazepam -- and helped himself to one. Is it wrong that I totally wanted them to hook up right there, even with the see-through door? He handed back the bottle and left.

Speaking of see-through, Sue Ellen clung to Gary and said she felt so alone and needed him more than ever. She claimed she had never wanted a drink more (okay, that part was believable). She said J.R. always wanted everyone to get drunk at his funeral -- he thought it would make everyone honest. “I want to be honest with you, tonight, Gary,” Sue Ellen said. OHMYGOD, SHE IS HORRIBLE AT THIS! She looked fabulous though in a cutout black dress and large gold earrings.

Now it was time for the main attraction: Enter Cliff Barnes, who announced that he was there to pay his "disrespects and good riddance.” Screw you, Cliff! John Ross went after Cliff saying he’d killed J.R., and Christopher stopped him. Cliff said he wishes he had but somebody beat him to it. Bobby thought Cliff would have enough decency to leave the feud at home today, but Cliff said without the "junkyard dog" J.R., nothing would stop him from taking the Ewing family down. Pamela stepped in and asked Cliff to go home -- for her. He did, but not before saying, “Look who’s dancing on whose grave now," which harkened back to J.R.’s dig at Cliff when he first saw him in the TNT reboot.

Another man piped up saying J.R. was a junkyard dog who died the way he deserved in the armpit of the world. Christopher stopped John Ross from going after that guy, too. But twist! “I got this, cousin,” he said. Then he punched the guy. A fist fight broke out, and Christopher and John Ross started swinging. Wouldn’t that be something if J.R.’s death brought Christopher and John Ross together -- at least for an episode?

When we caught up to everyone back at Southfork, the bruised cousins were side-by-side with their jackets off. “That was awesome,” John Ross conceded, icing his face. Christopher told him they’d find out who killed J.R. and avenge his death as brothers. “Ewings take care of Ewings, always,” Christopher said.

Carlos showed up at Southfork with the medical examiner, the sergeant, and someone else we never really met. He said the police were right: J.R. was the victim of a robbery-homicide. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time. John Ross refused to believe it. But they said J.R. had met a lady at a club near the Hotel Colon (“not a professional sort of lady”), and she'd asked him to meet her some place near where she worked. They found a witness who said he saw someone follow J.R. into the hotel, but there was no suspect -- the description was very general. The fatal wound came from a Saturday Night Special, and it was unlikely that the killer would ever be found. John Ross stormed off again. This time he went outside and drank directly from the bottle, which he shared with Emma when she joined him. So either she’s badder than we thought, or she’s been so good for so long that she wants to be bad. “You high?” he asked her. “You’re low,” she said. This is how you seduce, Sue Ellen! She went into the backseat of a nearby SUV and peeled off her jacket (did she have a shirt on underneath that or just a bra?). They started getting it on. HOT!

Inside, as Ann and Bobby took all the pillows off their bed, things were downright chilly. Ann begged Bobby to talk to her. She thought he was upset and confused about J.R., and he was no doubt, but he was more upset that their relationship wasn't strong when he needed it to be. He admitted he was pissed at her. How could she not tell him about Emma? He thought they’d talk about how isolated and insignificant she'd made him feel after the trial when life got back to normal. She had no idea Bobby felt this way. (Neither did we, Ann!) She said she’d do anything to make it right. He just told her to talk to the hand and walked out.

Sue Ellen, meanwhile, went into J.R.’s room, and with a photo of them and the letter, sat down at a table in front of his booze. She poured herself a drink, toasted their photo, and drank. Glass. After. Glass.

NEXT: The funeral

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