Timeline 5: The Dark, Goatee-Requisite Timeline
One pivotal act held the monstrous jaws of chaos at bay in every other universe: when Troy caught Raiders’ rolling boulder before it hit the ground. But when he was sent downstairs, there was no one to preserve the fragile balance. And when that scale replica of rolling terror landed upon the apartment floor, it set off a chain reaction of destruction worthy of one Mr. Rube Goldberg. Here’s the play by play: the boulder hits the ground; Jeff, as always, hits his head on the ceiling fan as payback for his snark; Annie slips on the boulder and knocks over Pierce’s bottle of Serbian rum, which shatters; Annie’s purse hits the ground with the gun inside, which discharges upon impact; the gun shoots Pierce in the leg; Britta, in her astonishment, lets the lit cigarette in her mouth drop and ignite the spilled Serbian rum, setting the apartment ablaze; and Troy, returning with pizzas in hand, stares eye to eye with the cosmic trickster who he knows really set it all in motion. One word: troll.
Timeline 6: The Siddhartha Gautama Sensual Unfulfillment Timeline
In some ways, Timeline 6 may be the most devastating of all. Sure, it doesn’t feature death knocking on Apt.303, but it speaks to, in a way, deeper issues of dissatisfaction within the group. Maybe all this was exposed because Abed was the one absent this time. With him gone, Britta freely acknowledges that she’s high and even eats one of Shirley’s pies, though she admits that she wasn’t supposed to partake in any of her baking handiwork. Shirley was crestfallen. “Sometimes I think making desserts is the only thing I’m good for in the group.” She then proceeded to call Britta a drug addict, to which she high-handedly replied, “Drug addict? You’re a pie pusher. You push pies to get love!”
With his roommate gone, Troy felt free to open his heart to Pierce and thank him for letting him live with him. Pierce, shocker, was actually touched, and didn’t want Troy to then open up the box with the evil troll inside. “I demand to be housewarmed!” Troy shouted as they struggled for the package. Needless to say that when he finally got his hands on the Terror of the Fjords, it was, for him, the biggest anti-climax of all time. But not for us! “You’re a sick, sad, twisted man, and I hope you die alone!” Troy belted with full Kirk Douglas-in-Paths of Glory self-righteousness.
In the midst of all this drama, Jeff and Annie were finally able to share a little alone time. In EW’s Fall TV Preview, Joel McHale teased that Annie would be Jeff’s primary love interest this season and that was hinted at in Timeline 6. The ultimate way to a guy’s heart is to tend to his wounds, and thus Annie and Jeff shared a kiss in the kitchen after she patched him up. But Annie started talking about how this moment reminded her of being with her Dad, and Jeff was offended: “Uh, a little Makeout 101. Less Dad talk. And you could ease up on the bubblegum lip gloss.” Annie then called him a Grandpa and clarified that it’s cotton-candy lip gloss. Someone’s a Katy Perry fan!
NEXT: Every plane of reality in this multiverse may be different. But there is one constant: evil people have goatees.