Timeline 2: The Burnt Pies of Disillusionment Timeline
Proceeds much like Timeline Prime as Shirley’s role in the maintenance of the group’s quantum dynamics is relatively analogous to that of Annie. But two important developments occur that will have trans-dimensional implications. First, with Shirley gone, the other study groupers let her pies burn, lest they should actually have to eat them. Shirley is devastated but Jeff is not sympathetic: “You’re not allowed to have baking things as an identity.” Second, Pierce gives a Norwegian troll to Troy as a passive-aggressive housewarming gift. Mr. Hawthorne knows, from the time they were housemates, that Troy is terrified of the troll—which I presume means he had a terrifying experience on Maelstrom at EPCOT, or, like me, was freaked out by those trolls in David the Gnome. I look forward to future conflict when Abed wants to go see Troll Hunter, thinking it’s the new Kickpuncher, but is stymied by Troy’s primal phobia.
Timeline 3: The “I’m Not a Boy, Not Yet a Man” Thwarted Ambition Timeline
With Pierce heading downstairs to deal with the delivery man, that left Jeff having to fill the negativity vacuum by emasculating Troy. At long last Jeff has come to regard Troy as a threat. After all, Troy is every bit as good looking, but younger and poised to usurp Jeff as the snarkmaster in chief. So Jeff hit below the belt: “I can’t believe those are real mahogany bunk beds in there. I bet that cost you a few allowances.” Troywas devastated and sought refuge in the bathroom with Britta, when he thought she was only washing her hands. Turns out she was smoking.
Troywas cool with it. “I know what you were doing. I’m 21 years old. I’m a man.” Then he proved himself a man by whipping out his own cigarette case…Okay, so it had candy cigarettes, alright? Anyway, for his insolence, Jeff got a karmic fan rotor to the head. And Pierce vented his disgust at the state of contemporary pizza delivery men: “Pizza guys are getting worse and worse looking. I guess all the good ones went into porn.”
Timeline 4: The World Without “Roxanne” Timeline
With Britta sent downstairs,Troy had an opportunity to refill the toilet olives. Jeff and Annie shared a tender, but platonic, moment when she tended to his post-fan head injury. And Pierce tormented Troy more than ever with his diminutive Nordic companion: “Feel the terror of the Norwegian troll!” Most importantly, without Britta being there, not only did she not get a chance to break out into “Roxanne,” the Police classic didn’t get any playtime at all! Without the sweet sound of Sting to christen the apartment, Britta was left even more unhinged than when she was high. She brought Toby the pizza guy upstairs and announced their engagement after a 90-second courtship.
NEXT: A study group member gets shot! Jeff makes out with Annie! And the last 15 seconds are presented LIIIIIIIIIVE! (Okay, not really on that last one.)