6. Brande's Big Move
Brande wanted to step up. Brande wanted to prove herself. Brande wanted to show you what she was made of. Brande wanted to prove that she was a real person. Brande wanted to earn the right to add one more letter to her name, like maybe an "i" or a "y" or even another "e" or anything that would make her name look like it was spelled right. She would even accept an accent over the "e"! People of earth, meet Brandé Rodrique. It's pronounced "Brawn-day." It's French, almost!
So Brande declared herself Project Manager. "It's a beast of a challenge," she said. "We're not just taking on a product. We're taking on a country." Unfortunately, Brande revealed herself as an unfit Project Manager almost immediately, when she opted to spend the episode nervously googling "What Continent Is South Africa In?" Without firm leadership, the interactive experience was a mess. Interactive experience? More like interactive experidon't, amiright?
I don't want to pick on Brande too much. She was very nervous. "It's a beast of a challenge," she said again, "A beast of a challenge. A beast of a challenge. A beast of a challenge." Even worse: Mr. Trump was already biased against Adventure. "I'm a romantic," he explained, in the weirdest tone of voice possible. He inquired about Brande's leadership skills. "Is she a leader, or just a stressed-out bitch? I'm kidding." He smiled. Brande smiled back at him, hopefully thinking, "Well, Mr. Trump, I may be a stressed-out bitch, but at least my hair doesn't look like the pubic fur of a decomposing leopard."
Alas, the South African diplomats or whatever didn't like Adventure very much. They felt it lacked unique experiences. They felt it was a juvenile exhibition; an amusement park. (They liked the brochure, though.) Lil Jon complained that they had the tough job: "Romance is easy." Mr. Trump noted that Lil Jon had wanted Adventure. This single random fact somehow became the defining decision of the boardroom. Trump seemed desperate to kick out Lil Jon for choosing one abstract concept instead of another one. But Brande saved Lil Jon; she had loyalty for her Day One Power Colleague.
Saving Lil Jon sealed Brande's fate. Trump couldn't kick out Marilu: She made a great brochure. And he couldn't kick out Trace: Firing Trace Adkins at this point in the game would be tantamount to declaring the end of the American republic. And so, he fired Brande with a typically blistering exit line: "You're fired. Great job." He ameliorated the pain of Brande's spectacular inability to accomplish anything in this game by promising to pay $20,000 to her charity, which further proves that there are no rules on The Celebrity Apprentice. But in all fairness, that's pretty much true of capitalism, too.
7. The Single Most Important Conversation In The Entire Episode, Nay, In the Whole History Of The World
Donald Trump: "Have you ever thought of being a poet?"
Gary Busey: "Yes."
Fellow viewers, what did you think of the latest descent into Celebrity Apprentice madness? Did the interactive experiences make you want to go to South Africa, or did they just give you lots of fodder for your next appointment when your therapist? Would you buy a book of Gary Busey's Bacronyms? What did you make of that random moment when Donald Trump said that there is "no better real estate lawyer" than George? Is he planning to have George killed? (Maybe the final challenge of this season of Celebrity Apprentice will be: Bring Me The Head of George H. Ross.) Can anyone design a brochure better than Marilu Henner? And be sure to check back next week, when Dalton Ross will hopefully escape from Mad Doctor Gary Busey's Island of Terror to recap all future Celebrity Apprentice shenanigans.
In conclusion, remember: South Africa is romance, and romance is the moon, and the moon is the heart of the earth mother that kills a lion and goes on a honeymoon, and I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT SOUTH AFRICA.
Follow Darren on Twitter: @DarrenFranich