The Celebrity Apprentice season premiere recap: All Aboard The Crazy Train!

A new crew of "celebrities" prepare to do battle in the name of charity…and self-humiliation
Ep. 01 | Aired Feb 19, 2012

SPOCK AND AWE Captain Sulu should have tried administering a Vulcan death grip to his nemesis Paul

Image Credit: Douglas Gorenstein/NBC

The stages of New York’s Lincoln Center have been home to some of the most electrifying performers of our age. Ella Fitzgerald. Etta James. Itzhak Perlman. And now, for a limited engagement only, former Real Housewife of New Jersey Teresa Giudice! This opening to season 5 of Celebrity Apprentice — complete with Donald Trump proclaiming it to be “bigger and better” while a fountain exploded phallically right behind him — is exactly what makes the show so genius. Because how else would a table-flipping Jersey girl with an IQ of approximately negative 42 manage to grace the stage of New York’s legendary performing arts center? She wouldn’t. But this odd juxtaposition of Teresa Giudice standing on stage at Lincoln Center — while the philharmonic plays the Celebrity Apprentice theme song, no less — is not what is so hilarious. It is the fact that Teresa Giudice is completely oblivious to this absurdity.  As is Victoria Gotti. As is the dude with the handlebar moustache from American Chopper. But we’re not. It’s why we keep coming back for more. Because you never know when Clint Black is going to insinuate that he uses Tide detergent as a masturbation aid. You never know when Meat Loaf is going to pop a blood vessel because he can’t find his paints (sitting in the corner). You never know when Dennis Rodman is going to abandon his post to invite himself out for dinner and drinks with confused hotel guests. And, as last night proved, you never know when Donald Trump is going to proclaim “I love Diddy.”

Well, I love Celebrity Apprentice! And I love that we’re back together celebrating all the action and absurdity for another season. So without further ado, let’s get to some initial impressions from last night’s premiere.

And The Worst Team Name Goes To…
As always, Trump divided the teams up by gender. I usually love the segments where the two camps have to decide on team names because it almost always results in people arguing about something that is possibly the stupidest thing in the entire world! Who cares what your team name is? It has absolutely zero bearing on your success in this game. Yet people usually mange to get pissy during the process. Unfortunately, there were no such fireworks this time around. Comedian Adam Corolla suggested Team Backhair and other assorted titles, but the men ultimately agreed on Penn Jillette’s “Unanimous” — which would have been a million times more impressive if they had changed the i to a letter 1 to mirror the name of the short lived Fox reality show which stuck people in some underground lair.

Alas, the women were no better (which is to say, worse), although we all had a good collective chuckle when Lisa Lampanelli said that, “I think we should pick a name to show that we’re not going to be a team that’s all catty and mean and bitchy to each other.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! They say that every year, these Celebrity Apprentice broads. Never happens. (Nor should it.) Eventually, they settled on Forte, a name equal in lameness to Unanimous. I was thinking perhaps Team Botox would have been more appropriate, but that’s just me.

NEXT: George Takei sees a shirtless Lou Ferrigno…and likes it


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