The Celebrity Apprentice recap: Let the Jousting Begin!

While staging a Medieval Times show, the women suffer self-inflicted wounds
Ep. 02 | Aired Feb 26, 2012

THE QUEEN OF MEAN Lisa ruled with an iron fist, and one that knocked out Victoria Gotti

Douglas Gorenstein/NBC

I have been watching The Celebrity Apprentice for five years now. Millions of people share my passion for the program. Due to my somewhat unexplainable obsession and borderline masochistic insistence on reliving every single detail in recap form, I suppose you could say I’ve become something of a Founding Dean here at Celebrity Apprentice University. And in that post, I can tell you that there is one thing that every Celebrity Apprentice viewer needs to have to truly appreciate this unique program. It is one of the most important words in the English language, and can be expressed in exactly seven syllables: D-I-G-N-I-T-Y. Wait, no. That’s not right. I mean, that’s the last thing any of us have. Sorry. Let me try that again. G-O-O-D-T-A-S-T-E. Hmmm, that’s not it either. Think. Think…Oh! Got it! N-O-S-H-A-M-E. I would call Celebrity Apprentice a guilty pleasure, however I don’t even feel guilty about it! I just spent two hours watching a show with James Lipton spelling. James Lipton!!! And I’m gonna tell you something else: I thought he was awesome.

Sure, at first, I was bummed that we were losing Boardroom Dominatrix Ivanka for a dude who asks narcissistic actors to describe their favorite sound for a living. And then it hit me: What could be a better addition to this show than a dude who asks narcissistic actors to describe their favorite sound for a living? It’s brilliant! “You may be wondering why I qualify as an advisor,” Lipton told the contestants. “It’s because I happen to be a Knight.” And while Lipton then went on to proclaim himself a Knight of France, I can’t help but be skeptical and wonder if the only way this guy is going to become an actual Knight is to marry either Jordan or Jonathan from New Kids on the Block. (Side note: You have to hand it to the producers for printing his name as “Sir James Lipton” on screen. Perfect.)

The absurd and over-the-top seriousness that Lipton brought to the proceedings was downright hysterical, as was his declaration to Trump that “Thank God I’m not you — with two exceptions. I’m a pilot; I’d like your airplane. And I’m in television; I’d like some of your ratings.” Lipton! Your fawning interviews on Bravo make me want to punch a hole in my TV set, rip out any electrical wires, use the electrical wires to strangle myself until my eyes pop out of my head, and then stomp on my eyes until they are puddles of goo so that I never have to watch you on television again. But you have an open invitation to appear on this show whenever you please. That’s P-L-E-A-S-E.

Here are a few other things that had me jazzed about last night’s episode of Celebrity Apprentice.

An MIA Adam Carolla
I used to bitch and scream when celebrities would sign up to be on this show then disappear for a task and not get fired. “That is so unfair!” I would yell to my cat Clawed sitting next to me, who would then roll her eyes and go pee on my laptop bag. But then it hit me: Of course it’s not fair. Nothing on this show is fair. In fact, it’s perfect! It only adds to the What-the #&%@ nature of the entire thing.

NEXT: Lisa Lampanelli takes on the mob

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