Buckwild recap: An Evening in MoTown

The kids have a big night in the big city. Neon body paint and cuckoldry ensues
Ep. 02 | Aired Jan 10, 2013

PAINT MY WAGONS For some reason, Salwa is not included in the main credits of the show, even though she has spent the first two episodes of Buckwild naked roughly half the time.


Anna told Salwa that she shouldn't worry. "You're gonna believe what you're gonna believe, and she's gonna stick to her story." Salwa refused to listen to that tripe. "It's not a story. It's the truth." Ah, but in the words of Pontius Pilate: What is truth? And in the words of Shain: "Dem girlz zgonna gitya ee-yin trouble one a' these days, daddy always said." I wish Shain could narrate my life. I also hope that Shain and Shae get together, just so we can christen them ShaiShae, pronounced "Shay-Shay."

The Tale of Patrick's Quest for Manhood

Tyler is a pretty boy. You know this. I know this. Shain knows this. But Shain won't accept it. So him and Brother Joey decided to try to turn Tyler into a real man's man. First they forced him to ride a motorcycle. They were roundly chastised for not wearing helmets by Shain's father. Then they forced him to jump off a bridge. In the background, a gigantic Nuclear Power Planet lingered, further proof that Buckwild is actually set in an irradiated post-apocalypse. I mean, Shain is almost literally a character out of Mad Max, except he doesn't talk as funny as those Australians do. I kind of hope that, if Buckwild is still around in five seasons, and Shain keeps on building more elaborate contraptions, it reaches a point where he's building a whole fleet of armored cars and then getting into death races with those high-falutin' kids from Ravenswood. Stupid Ravenswood.

Anyhow, Tyler jumped into the irradiated water, which proved that he was a man. In a few years, the skin on his face will disintegrate, and he will become the charismatic leader of a cult that worships the bomb buried in the subterranean chambers of the nuclear plant. "The heavens declare the glory of the Bomb," he will pray, "And the firmament showeth His handiwork." But the point is, now Tyler has conquered his fear of heights.

The Tale of Cara, The Girl From the Big City

It's becoming more and more clear that Cara has been beamed into this friendship group specifically to corrupt their innocence. She's like the alien chick who transforms everyone into her slaves in The Faculty, or like the British guy who corrupts the nuns in the convent in Black Narcissus. After her dalliance with Tyler, she fled back to Morgantown, where she is from and where she apparently has always lived. But Anna coaxed her back. Cara met Anna and Ashley where they work at the Tanning Salon. "I'm sorry I left," said Cara. "Friends?" "Okay," said Anna. Cara jumped over the desk and landed in Anna's arms and yelled, "Monster baby! Monster baby!"

(ASIDE: The fact that the girls work in a tanning salon might have seemed slightly reminiscent of Jersey Shore. Then a few minutes later, everyone was preparing to go to a nightclub called Karma -- famously, the location which saw most of the best worst behavior on Jersey Shore. And then, out of nowhere, someone actually yelled "Cabs are hee-yah!" I'm not sure if the show is purposefully creating all these similarities or -- more frighteningly -- if we're meant to understand that this is all taking place in a weird Sliders universe right next to Jersey Shore. Or maybe Jersey Shore has had a really huge impact on the Youth of America. Does anyone know any youths? END OF ASIDE.)

Anyhow, Cara decided that she wasn't going to be the passive member of the gang anymore. She invited everyone out for a night in the big city, at "One of the clubs I used to promote in Morgantown." Can I just point out that I officially have no idea how old these people are? Like, if you'd asked me, I would have said that Cara was 16, Shae was 17, Tyler was 15, and Shain was either 7 in Benjamin Button years. But apparently they're all old enough to have had really elaborate lives. Like, they all have enough backstory to be supporting characters in a John Cheever short story. Also like Cheever: Bad decisions, too much sex, and bottomless wells of alcohol.

Shain didn't want to go, but he agreed to brave MoTown if Cara would touch the bug zapper. ("Touching the Bug Zapper" is one of Shain and Joey's main hobbies. Surprisingly, Joey did not get punched in the crotch this week. Maybe they're saving that up for the season finale.) Nobody could believe that Shain was going to the big city. "I heard Shain's only been in an elevator once, and he got seasick," said Anna. "I heard that if Shain goes higher than the second story of a building, he starts walking on his hands so his brain stays close to the earth," said Cara. "I heard that when Shain saw his first bus, he thought it was an animal and stabbed it in the engine with a metal spear," said Salwa. Guys, we get it! Shain is a noble savage, an avatar of all that is pure and terrifying about the state of nature! We're not stupid, y'know?

Cara asked her friend to come over to paint all the girls' naked bodies. The girls all treated this like it was totally natural, which proves that I will never understand women. Salwa took of her clothes for the first time in minutes. She wanted to look like a Cheetah. Meanwhile, Ashley wanted to look like a Tiger. This led to a natural climax when, at the club, they tore each other's clothes off, and the Cheetah-Girl and the Tiger-Lady made out for a second or two. It was just like that dream you had one time. That horrible, horrible dream.

Next: Brittney spears Tyler

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