Flash-forward a couple weeks. Shae and Joey have been hooking up. One morning in bed, Shae asks the question all women have to ask eventually: "So, what are we?" Joey opened his mouth to respond, shouted "Look, over there!" and jumped out the open window. No, actually, he said, "Ah'm tired," and pretended to be asleep -- an effective way to avoid conflict.
Meanwhile, Shain had his own girl problems. And by "girl problems," I mean "truck problems." See, his truck had a minor accident, involving Shain racing it over the river and through the woods. It was the eleventh truck he lost this year, or maybe the twelfth, or maybe all trucks are just the same truck, when you get right down to it. Anyhow, he took the truck to the crushin' lot and let his boy Joey crush it up Skyfall-style. Shain offered a quick eulogy for his truck: "Well Ranger, you've been fun. Few threesomes, DUI, few mud hoes, a snorkel. Y'did good." (I have no clue if he was being serious and no clue if he was just free-associating. I might have misheard him. A snorkel?)
It's worth pointing out that, during the eulogy, Shain was wearing a shirt that said "Gandee Candy." Did he have that shirt before it was his catchphrase? Did he wear that shirt to his MTV interview? Did Shain emerge fully-formed as a reality TV character, or is this learned behavior, or at this point are we all just reality TV stars awaiting the moment when MTV or Bravo or A&E finally makes a show about our hyper-specific subculture? And if so, when will they finally make a reality show about French-Canadian Wiccan Jazz Musicians?
Anyhow, the girls convinced Joey to take Shae out to dinner. He pouted and stomped his feet and said, "Ugh, girls!" Then someone pointed out that Shae is about a 10 and Joey is about a 7, with maybe a bit of grade inflation for his naturally flowing hair. So Joey invited Shae out to dinner. He washed his truck, and then found a mudpit and covered his truck in mud. This got the date off to a smashing start. Somehow they wound up at a lake, where Shae suggested they go skinny-dipping. Then, as Joey was racing to the water, she got in the truck and locked him out. She didn't drive away, though she would have been within her rights.
That could have been the end of it. But then they got home. "A little birdie told me your fantasy," said Shae, who re-emerged from her bedroom wearing a Naughty Schoolgirl Outfit and carrying a naughty school whip. None of this made any sense: Not the crazy amount of costuming (Glasses?) required to pull off the costume, not Shae deciding to give Joey this gift after a mediocre date, not Shae deciding to do it WHILE ASHLEY WAS WATCHING. They went into Shae's room and turned on the black light, illuminating a neon-painted message: "Sex Aquarium." That didn't make sense either, but I see serious spin-off potential.
Follow Darren on Twitter: @DarrenFranich