'Brothers and Sisters' recap: Heartbreak Hotel

This week's episode, "Get a Room," opened on Boniva-enriched Sally Field's Nora doing voice work for a commercial for "Forever Tabs." These were apparently vitamins, but sounded at first like a scrapbooking tool kit. "All you have to do is take one, and we're legally clear," said her boss. And with that, an age-old mystery (Does Sally Field Really Use Boniva Herself?) was solved. Put a Forever Tab on that page of U.S. History!

The next product Nora and Dr. Karl had to shill for was none other than the illustrious Hotel Velone -- future site of all kinds of Walker Family shenanigans! Every couple, old and new, ended up in this random hotel for the night. Can you blame 'em? "They make the beds!" All you need to provide is the magic. Scream it, Sally: "PEOPLE HAVE BEEN HAVING SEX FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS." Why wouldn't they go to Hotel Velone? Plus, let's not forget: It was half-off!

Kitty had traveled "all the way down" to Wexley University to be welcomed by a scary dean lady whose tone of voice seemed like she was brutally insulting her the whole time, deliver a guest lecture, and sleep with a student. It all started in the coffee shop, when Smith from Cougar Town (Ryan Devlin) left his phone number on her skinny vanilla latte with whip. In case we didn't hear him either time he said "WITH WHIP," Kitty helpfully licked a glob of whip off her upper lip over the longest five seconds of the episode. A few not really fun facts about the U.S. Presidents, and suddenly Kitty and Seth were making out in the pantry! "You're hot!" the 27-year-old exclaimed. "I KNOW," Kitty replied. Kids! Always stating the obvious. "He's very cute in a Genius Bar kind of way," Kitty assured Sarah, the Queen of All Media, over the phone.

The Queen assured Nora that even though Sarah owned her ass, Nora should could kiss anyone she wanted at work. "I never let it stop me!" Sarah bragged, with poor, cheated-on-via-work-based-sex Kevin on the other line. No wonder he was stress-eating (in anticipation of a social worker's visit to determine whether he and Scotty were fit to adopt) and beginning to freak out. "This brownie's a little much," Kevin said, in what would turn out to be the greatest understatement of the episode. Kevin! Whenever you think something's a little much, put it back! It's drugs!

Kevin on a medical marijuana brownie = AMAZING. The best moment of the episode, for me, was when we came back from a commercial break and Kevin was huddled on the floor behind a "security pillow" that looked like one of those 1980s-era "Nail Girl" stencils on salon windows. (There are tons of 'em still up today, particularly in the Chicagoland area!) Anyway, stoned-out-of-his-gourd Kevin was a beautiful, scary, tragic thing. I loved his story about getting stoned (off a blunt!) in high school, burying the rest of it in "Justin's little sandbox in case the police found it," furiously studying his Spanish textbooks so he could just focus on something -- anything -- else, and then....then! Coming face to shredded-paper-eyed face with his mother, Sally Field the Spanish-speaking pinata. I was dying here! Can the whole show next week please be a series of Walker Family Trips? It'd be like National Lampoon's Vacations except everywhere you'd look, there'd be overgrown weeds and enormous puddles of 2006 Trinoro Rosso Toscana. And at the end of the chardonnay brick road: delicious roast chicken.

NEXT: Sorry Nora -- the Hotel Velone has a zero-tolerance policy for wine-induced suicide!