Black Sails series premiere recap: Come Sail Away

Pirates perform acts of piracy. Just like those Johnny Depp movies, now with 1000% more nudity!
Ep. 01 | Aired Jan 25, 2014

FLINT MISSED AGAIN Stephens was the bomb in Die Another Day, yo.

Frank W Ockenfels 3 / Starz

Pradha Mitchell was upset with Captain Vane. She slapped him. He punched her. It turns out they used to be lovers, or at least he used to love her. Because Black Sails is really a story about relationships. Speaking of relationships! Fifi LaRue came upstairs to comfort Pradha. Boobs ensued. This coupling between the cerebral Pradha and the hedonistic Fifi represents the symbiotic relationship of the Apollonian and Dionysian instincts in every human, but also lesbians, because this isn't goddamn TBS, okay?

Bendercumber Hiddlebatch was having a difficult moment. He floated back across the sea with his mad Captain and the half-dead aristocrat. He gave Captain Flint a piece of his mind. And then Flint gave him the whole thing: "There's a war coming!" he said. But it wasn't a real war. More of a metaphorical war. "Civilization," he said. It would wipe out all the pirates. What they needed was a king. "And I am your King!" said Captain Flint. Poor Bendercumber didn't know how to respond. "Golly, it sounds like you're playing some kind of game of king-seats!" he exclaimed. "Yessir, a real sport of thrones!" he appended.

Back on the ship, the time had come for the vote. But Captain Flint had one of his trademark cockamamie schemes. See, he had noticed that someone had opened his bureau. So he used a classic politician trick. He told the crew about the great treasure ship, how he was sorry for not trusting them, how he only wanted the best for them. It was mostly the truth...except for one little lie. He claimed someone had stolen the telltale page from the ship's log. And he said that someone was none other than Baritone Charlie, the Dome-Headed Pretender to the Throne.

This was a serious accusation, and the only solution was SWORDS! The two men sworded around for awhile, swordfully, swinging their swords at one another like a couple of swordsmen are wont to do. Ultimately, Captain Flint triumphed over his old nemesis Baritone Charlie, thus allowing the ghost of Robert Louis Stevenson to rest easy for another week. And Flint went one step further, enlisting Bendercumber Hiddlebatch for the last bit of subterfuge: He gave him a blank paper, and Bendercumber said it was the missing page. Huzzah for the Captain! Huzzah!

Of course, the missing page is technically still missing: Currently in the hands of John Silver, that famous cad. And he may have walked into something serious. Because in the last scene, Fifi LaRue crawled atop Porno Sturridge while the jealous Zorra Two-Swords looked on. "I have something you might want to buy," said Fifi, and she wasn't talking about a bridge in Brooklyn.

Follow Darren on Twitter: @DarrenFranich

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