Black Sails series premiere recap: Come Sail Away

Pirates perform acts of piracy. Just like those Johnny Depp movies, now with 1000% more nudity!
Ep. 01 | Aired Jan 25, 2014

FLINT MISSED AGAIN Stephens was the bomb in Die Another Day, yo.

Frank W Ockenfels 3 / Starz

That's when Baldo McMutton sprung into action. He's a wheeler-dealer, and he had deals to wheel. Deal One: The local tavern owner, who is also the first confirmed human female with more than 16% of her body covered by boring 'ol clothes. Because she bears a striking resemblance to the star of Pitch Black and Melinda and Melinda, all the salty sea dogs on every broken-down ship call her Pradha Mitchell. You can tell she's serious, because she throws out f-bombs every sentence and also has perfect green eyes the color of jade jewelry shimmering in the mist before a rainstorm.

Baldo McMutton needed help. "Why the f--- should I help you?" asked Pradha Mitchell. Baldo explained. "Well f---, why didn't you f---ing say that, you c---sw-------g m-----pl----r?" She gave him the money. That meant Baldo could pay off several crew members, winning back almost enough votes to sway the election. But he needed more.

So he went to Ol' Saltbeard, apparently the chief representative for the black crewmembers. I liked how the show dove deep into the politicking of piracy...and I liked how Saltbeard, having heard Baldo McMutton's begging, would only agree to swing his votes over to Captain Flint if him and his kin received a significant proportion of the next prize. I think this is exactly what happened in Lincoln, but honestly, I stopped watching Lincoln at the two-hour mark when it became clear that none of the women were going to randomly make out for reasons totally central to the plot.

John Silver recovered from his orgy. But there was a problem. See, he had stolen the missing page from the dead cook. And now that missing page had been stolen...by a comely gal named Fifi LaRue, whose eyes were the perfect yellowish green of the open plains in late summer dappled by flecks of amber from the exhumations of the copper mine up the river. Fifi and John struck an accord. She helped him sneak onto the ship, where he managed to fit the page into the ship's log.

Over on a slightly more civilized Island, Captain Flint and Bendercumber Hiddlebatch were meeting with the aristocrat who helps Flint fence his stolen goods. Said aristocrat was an old-money colonist named Chelmsley Wiggenstern, and he was not in the mood for Flint's shenanigans.

But Flint had a story to tell. A story about a Spaniard named Vasquez, and a Spanish treasure galleon. But not just any Spanish treasure galleon: The Laka Aleem, or the Louca Aleema, or whatever. It was carrying a total cargo totaling Five Million Spanish Dollars, which is worth approximately one Optimus Prime in Pirate Dollars. But Chelmsley didn't buy it. And he certainly didn't want to introduce Flint to His Man In Havana, a heretofore unseen character who I hope to God is played by the bad guy from Bad Boys II. So Captain Flint broke Chelmsley Wiggenstern's arm backwards.

But then! Some local members of the British Navy swung by to say hi. "My name is Captain Hume!" said their leader. "Now tell me: Hume are you?" he asked, using the trademark phrase that has made him the hero of millions. He tried to take down Flint, but Flint was too quick for him. Poor Chelmsley Wiggenstern took a shot straight in his left shoulder, which was connected to the left arm that was just broken. Chelmsley is totally the Hannah of Black Sails, and his left limb is totally the Hannah of Chelmsley.

Back on New Providence Island, trouble was brewing. Saltbeard informed Baritone Charlie that he was going to support Captain Flint in the boat. But Baritone Charlie had some helpers. One was a pirate who, I'm sorry, has the most ridiculous facial hair of anyone ever in the whole of human history. He looks like Jim Sturridge if Jim Sturridge were descended from Elvis, George Michael, Wes Bentley in Hunger Games, and John Travolta in Grease. Porno Sturridge was joined by his lady love Zorra Two-Swords, who said three things in the episode and one of them was "I wanna f---." And don't forget about their leader, Captain Yursa Vane, the subject of the classic Carly Simon song "Nobody Does it Better."

Together, this devilish trio ended the life of Saltbeard and his friend. Game: Baritone Charlie.

NEXT: Our Man Flint

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