Black Sails recap: Paradise Tossed

Captain Vane ponders a merger with Captain Flint, while Eleanor ponders a merger with Captain Vane, huh huh.
Ep. 03 | Aired Feb 8, 2014

SECRET 'STACHE If Salvador Dali were the lead singer of a mullet-punk rock band, he would still not look this crazy.

Captain Vane took pity on Fifi LaRue. Maybe it was because, deep down, he's a nice guy. Maybe he could relate to the fact that they both got their hearts broken by the same woman. In any case, he commanded that she be put on a boat later that night.

After a long day of pirating -- or rather, a long day of hanging around on land and going to long meetings in inexpensive locations -- Captain Vane likes to lounge around his living space without a shirt on, staring up at the ceiling and dreaming of the jungle that was his home. He received an unexpected visitor: Pradha Mitchell. Maybe she thought Captain Vane had finally gotten his act together. Maybe she had too much wine. Maybe she told Scotty that she was considering an assignation with the Captain, and Scotty told her she really ought to consider going on a date with that nice O'Malley boy from down the street, and she decided to do the exact opposite. For whatever reason, she ripped off his pants and commanded him to hasten up the mizzenmast, if you know what I mean (because I don't!)

So it was a great day for Captain Vane. He got his girlfriend back. He went halfsies on a totally sweet score with a nemesis-turned-ally. His friend Porno Sturridge invented sunglasses. Then everything went to hell. The crew noticed that Fifi LaRue was being taken away by Porno Sturridge. They immediately assaulted her -- which, I sort of was hoping Black Sails was the kind of show where that wouldn't happen, but then again I also keep hoping this is the kind of show that just says "screw it" and throws in a giant squid.

Whatever: The aftermath of the event was believably disastrous. Pradha Mitchell declared that the crew of the Ranger would be finished on Pirate Island unless they agreed to join the crew of Captain Flint. Having repudiated one lover, she turned to her other one. But Fifi was not impressed by this show of power. To her, all of this was caused by Pradha Mitchell. They could have run away. They could have moved to Cuba. They could've opened a chain of artisanal ice cream shops. They could've gone to Florida before it was cool. Now that's all shot to hell. Tragically, Fifi decided to stick with Captain Vane "until the debt is paid."

Watching all of this, Baldo McMutton and Captain Flint had the same reaction: "What the hell just happened?" They just got a ship handed to them, is what: And it'll need a captain. Good luck, Baldo! PS: Has anyone else noticed that Baldo has a Freemason Eye tattooed on his back-head? Could this all be a set-up for a Dan Brown-esque twist, where it turns out that Captain Flint is the last scion of the Christ? Just throwing it out there. THEORY.

Follow Darren on Twitter: @DarrenFranich

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