Black Sails recap: Paradise Tossed

Captain Vane ponders a merger with Captain Flint, while Eleanor ponders a merger with Captain Vane, huh huh.
Ep. 03 | Aired Feb 8, 2014

SECRET 'STACHE If Salvador Dali were the lead singer of a mullet-punk rock band, he would still not look this crazy.

Billy Biceps did not trust John Silver one bit. Did not trust his naturally curly hair, did not trust his wide-open grin, did not trust anything about him. That lack of trust initially seemed justified, when Silver had a chat with the Anti-Flint brigade -- the very few members of the crew who still feel like ol' Baritone Charlie got a raw deal. (For some reason, all of these guys were wearing beautiful vests. Long live the Vest Mafia!)

But it turns out that Silver was just cozying up to the Anti-Flint brigade as a way to further cozy up to Flint and his gang. He told Billy Biceps about the potential mutineers. He also told Billy that local madman Randall thinks that Captain Flint is an undead zombie controlled by a witch deep inside the island -- which seems like an unlikely story arc for Black Sails, since there was nothing in that explanation about bare breasts.

Meanwhile, Miranda decided to spend the day hosting the world's first ever book club. She visited her guest/prisoner, Chelmsley Wiggenstern, and recommended a book for him written by Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius. "It's a personal favorite. At the risk of sounding presumptuous, you might find it helpful." Now, handing Marcus Aurelius' Meditations to a recently-sacked politician and saying he might find it "helpful" is sort of like giving your recently-divorced friend a copy of Scenes From a Marriage and saying "This will show you what you did wrong."

Later, Miranda was joined by local preacher Father Littleman. He tried to chastise her about something, but quickly lost interest, because Miranda started quoting some serious stcripture: "Thy belly is like a heap of wheat set about with lilies/Thy breasts are like two fawns." Father Littleman's attention wandered. He had two particular fawns in mind. Check back again next week for the TV season's most exciting new love triangle: Pirate/Priest/Witch.

Meanwhile, Porno Sturridge was hustling, and nobody hustles better than Porno Sturridge. He shaved his sideburns into sharpened katanas and he carved his mullet into a lion's mane and he waxes his mustache until both sides pointed towards magnetic north. His shipmates wanted their pesos back. Fortunately, Porno Sturridge always has a plan. He convinced Baldo McMutton to give up on his dream of captaining a ship. Captain Flint would need to partner up with a serious ship, populated by serious men and at least one double-sworded woman.

So Baldo McMutton told Captain Flint that it was time for a partnership with Captain Vane. Nobody really liked this idea, least of all Captain Vane. But Porno Sturridge told him that this could be a great way to get back together with Pradha Mitchell. So Vane showed up and agreed to all terms, even though Flint kept on bringing up all kinds of annoying things, like That One Guy Vane Killed and That Other Guy Vane Killed and That Other Other Guy Vane Killed. "Also, why do you always look like you just came from a Beastmaster-themed orgy?" asked Captain Flint. Vane sloughed it all off. He acted like a gentleman. Pradha Mitchell was impressed, or possibly just lonely. She hadn't been naked in hours.

The terms agreed to, Captain Vane and Porno Sturridge walked outside. They said something, but I wasn't paying attention, because all I could see was Porno Sturridge putting on a pair of wraparound sunglasses that sort of looked like they were designed specifically for a mid-80s club kid who was born with a rare genetic disorder that gave him four eyes. These sunglasses, guys. I'm sure they are period-appropriate, but also want to think that Black Sails is arguing that Porno Sturridge actually invented the sunglasses. I hope this will be a running thing. I hope at some point in the season, Porno Sturridge calls everybody into his tent to show them this great thing he just invented called the cellular phone, which will let them communicate over long distances, and then John Silver accidentally drops it in the toilet. Hilarity ensues!

It was at this point that we learned what happened to our poor beloved Fifi LaRue: She'd been captured, tortured, and worse by Captain Vane. Bad vibes all around.

NEXT: Things get worse

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