Black Sails recap: Paradise Tossed

Captain Vane ponders a merger with Captain Flint, while Eleanor ponders a merger with Captain Vane, huh huh.
Ep. 03 | Aired Feb 8, 2014

SECRET 'STACHE If Salvador Dali were the lead singer of a mullet-punk rock band, he would still not look this crazy.

Given Captain Flint's reputation as a vicious bloodthirsty uber-ambitious go-go bang-bang buccaneer, you probably figured he was a ladies' man. With a girlfriend in every port, and a mistress in between every port, and maybe a friend-with-benefits he visits whenever a girlfriend breaks up with him because she found about a mistress. Nothing could be further from the truth. Turns out Flint is in a long-term relationship with a genuine lady. This isn't, like, just physical or anything guys. This is a deep connection. He brought her a copy of a book by Milton -- which, let's assume that was Paradise Lost, unless Flint is a real heartbreaker and he got her the Areopagitica.

Miranda is in on the whole "find the treasure galleon, make millions, and start a nation of pirates" plan. And she's very understanding about some of her boyfriend's personal failings, like his tendency to show up with a recently deposed blood-spattered politician. "Hey hon, think you can take care of this guy for awhile?" said Flint, sounding a little bit like the proverbial bachelor who asks his fianceƩ to take care of his drunken friend while he goes back to the strip club.

Flint's fortunate to have such a supportive partner. Poor Pradha Mitchell woke up in the morning with nobody to love her. Fifi LaRue had fled in the evening for parts unknown. Worse, she had to look at Fifi's blackmail partner, John Silver, who bought himself a stay of execution thanks to his perfect memory of the schedule. And worse worse, John Silver is no dummy. He refused to mark down the point of the schedule where the Treasure Galleon will be most vulnerable to attack. He promised to tell Flint & Co. that information when the time came, on the assumption that they couldn't kill him until then. "Why won't I just kill you afterwards?" asked Flint. "We might be friends by then," said John Silver.

Flint agreed. They began the process of arming up for Pirate War. Flint had a wishlist of supplies: "100 casks of powder, a thousand rounds of shot, new twelve-pounder guns, a couple automobiles that we can flip end-over-end because it looks cool, a truck that transformers into an intergalactic giant robot, Mark Wahlberg's biceps, The Rock's biceps..." Pradha told him that he drove a hard bargain and then agreed to buy everything.

This didn't sit well with her assistant, Mr. Scott, who I'm henceforth going to nickname Scotty. Because, just like the engineer on the U.S.S. Enterprise, the Scotty of Black Sails exists for two reasons: #1. To tell the main characters that they are making a huge mistake, and #2. To clean up the various messes made by the main characters when they go ahead and make those mistakes they warned him about. So Pradha Mitchell is plotting a massive assault on the treasure ship, and Scotty says, "Say, shouldn't we be worried about people finding out about your father? And the general crackdown on piracy in this area? Also, maybe you're a little bit personally invested in this, and you should work on developing healthy relationships outside of the workplace?" And then Pradha says "f---" a couple dozen times and Scotty has to solve again.

Speaking of Pradha's favorite word! She paid a visit to Casa Miranda to have a conversation with her dear old deposed dad. They had one of their trademark daddy-daughter conversations. She said "Hi, dad!" and he didn't respond and then she said "Listen to me you bloody f---ing pantywaist s---k---r, you're a little c------sw-------p and I'm not going to rest until your a--------e gets l------d by a f---ing t--------r." Guys, it's hard running a family business.

On a slightly more diplomatic note, Baldo McMutton once again spent the day wheel-dealing his way around Pirate Island. Smart man, Baldo McMutton. Canny fellow, Baldo McMutton. Knows how to operate the levers of power, does Baldo McMutton. So he paid a visit to Captain Hornigold, a name which sounds made up but isn't. Hornigold sits on a fortress overlooking Pirate's Bay, and generally gives off the impression of a man who knows exactly who he is, and who he is is Pirate Gandalf. He smoked his pipe and sat in a chair that once belonged to Sir Francis Drake. Baldo wanted his ship; he agreed to give him a significant cut of the Treasure Galleon heist.

"And who is going to Captain my ship under these arrangements?" asked Hornigold. That would be Baldo McMutton. Surprisingly, the old fellow seemed quite all right with that. We got a quick bit of his backstory: He started pirating for a good cause, telling his men they were a part of a "rebel navy" and that they would restore a rightful king. This old idealism seems to have faded: "No matter how many lies we tell ourselves, we're all just thieves awaiting a noose." Captain Hornigold had beautiful green eyes that looked like sea beams glistening in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. I'm convinced that everyone who auditions for Black Sails needs to have blue eyes, green eyes, or the willingness to have an eye transplant.

NEXT: Mrs. Barlow's Book Club

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