Black Sails recap: Nation of Thieves

Everyone chases John Silver, but only because everyone just wants to settle down and raise a family.
Ep. 02 | Aired Feb 1, 2014

MAX POWER Roundabout midnight in every tavern from Port Royal to Port Noble, you hear the old sea dogs sing the Ballad of Fifi Larue

Poor Bendercumber Hiddlebatch searched high and low for John Silver, but he was nowhere to be found. Meanwhile, savvy Baldo McMutton sat patiently, watching local appraiser. The appraiser's keen eye for detail and his enjoyment of the finer arts had earned him the nickname Telescope Da Vinci. Ol' Telescope tried to explain the difference between two similar paintings of a woman. A confused onlooker kept on yelling a naughty word for the female chest, which I'll paraphrase as "Bosom! Bosom! Bosom! Bosom!" (You laugh, but this is exactly what it sounds like when Michael Bay goes to an art gallery and tries to decide what painting he's going to get to decorate his panic room.)

Baldo and Bendercumber followed the art appraiser straight to Pradha's place, where Porno Sturridge was having a meeting with Fifi Larue. This meeting was instantly broken upĀ  by Captain Vane, who thought Fifi was lying. John Silver was waiting in the next room, and he narrowly avoided being stabbed when Porno Sturridge noticed him. Returning, Porno twirled his mustache and twirled his sideburns and twirled his hair. (My working theory is that Porno Sturridge is a mustache who became a man.) Vane decided that Fifi was telling the truth, but swore to kill her if things went south. "They'll go north, I promise!" said Fifi.

Meanwhile, Captain Flint was speechifying in Pradha Mitchell's general direction. He told her about Vasquez and the Orca Delima or the Yurca Redeema or the Funky Cold Medina or whatever. "But the Erka Oreema is a floating castle!" said Pradha, and oh dear god I hope the season finale of Black Sails is a bunch of ships attacking a floating castle and then the final reveal is that the king of the castle is Bowser and this has been a secret Super Mario reboot the whole time.

But Captain Flint has plans. He doesn't just want the money. He wants to take the money and turn Pirate Island into a new nation. he wants to train men to be farmers -- a Nation of Thieves. He told a story about Odysseus, the famous mythic hero who you'll recall was played by Sean Bean in Troy (the rare Sean Bean movie where Sean Bean doesn't die.) Flint, it turns out, isn't a man who wants power for the sake of power. He wants to find peace.

Something about that dream clearly speaks to Pradha Mitchell. She's lived her whole life in her father's shadow, on the edge of civilization. She wants to build something. So when Captain Flint's men captured Fifi LaRue, she faced a quandary. Fifi told her: "Leave with me! Come to Port Royal! It sounds nice! It's got "royal" in the name!" But Pradha Mitchell wanted to build something. A city of pirates -- Piratropolis! Or Brigandia! Or New Privateeria!

I have to admit, I clocked Fifi all wrong. I figured she was just cozying up to Pradha because she was ambitious, dreaming of a day when she could own a pleasure palace of her very own. But I kind of believed it when Fifi opened her eyes wide and told Pradha, "I love you." Maybe it's because I'm a shameless romantic. Maybe it's because this episode was positively chockablock with romantic stuff. If this whole "serialized pirate adventure drama" thing doesn't work out, maybe Black Sails could just become a period-appropriate relationship sitcom. Like, the kind of show where Fifi and Pradha regularly grab lunch with Zorra Two-Swords, and Zorra says something like "I think my boyfriend is cheating on me" and then they all invent the cosmopolitan.

Everything came to a head in some dark corner of the island. It was all caverns, and in Sturridge's words, it's populated entirely by "Opium addicts, lunatics, and men who thought themselves too good to wear a condom." Typical frat house, basically. Captain Vane didn't like the scene. I'm worried we haven't properly discussed just how intense Captain Vane looks. He looks a little bit like the war chief of a tribe of cannibals in an Edgar Rice Burroughs about cavemen on Mars. He exudes the aura of a man with whom one ought not trifle. His cologne smells like the blood of a grizzly bear, and possibly because it is the blood of a grizzly bear. Captain Vane's bed is the hollowed-out carcass of the killer whale that raised him, and Captain Vane's blanket is the skin of the Great White Shark that tried to kill Vane before his adopted-father killer whale sacrificed itself to save Vane. I'm not making this up, this was all in Treasure Island for all you know.

Naturally, everything went south. Flint and his men chased John Silver over the rocks. So did Vane and Sturridge. Alas, Sturridge fell into the water and dropped all his pearls, which is why you always get Pearl Insurance, guys. John Silver used his headbrain and memorized the page, and then burned the page. So it looks like Captain Flint is stuck with him now. Meanwhile, Fifi Larue tried to slip out of the pleasure palace, but her escape was noticed by Zorra Two-Swords. Apropos of nothing, I'm going to assume that those two will be kissing by the middle of next episode.

After a long day, Captain Flint needed some rest. So he took his horse inland, away from the sea, and arrived in a nice little house. Inside this nice little house was a woman. "Take off your boots," she said. "I'll boil some water." Flint collapsed, looking tired but happy. Haha, you guys, Flint's got a GURLFRIEND. What a loser.

What did you think of episode 2 of Black Sails, fellow viewers? Has anyone tried to grow out Porno Sturridge's mustache yet?

Follow Darren on Twitter: @DarrenFranich

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