'The Biggest Loser' season premiere recap: Best Foot Forward

Time for the weigh-in: This time, the producers were gracious enough to allow the contestants to actually weigh themselves in relative privacy – even if this was a weigh-in all the teams would be proud for their family and friends to see. Every single team pulled in impressive numbers, but the most jaw-dropping one belonged to our Italian Mike, who lost 34 pounds. (That made him the contestant who lost more weight in one week than any other Biggest Loser contestant in history.) Then he won me over even further by saying, “Are my abs showin'?'' Also breaking a record was Patti, who lost more weight in one week than any other female contestant. The breakdown for the rest:

Green Team: Migdalia: -13 pounds. Miggy: -16 pounds. Percentage weight loss: 5.74 percent.

Grey Team: Sam: -18 pounds. Koli: -29 pounds. Percentage weight loss: 6.06 percent.

Orange Team: Cheryl: -14 pounds. Daris: -29 pounds. Percentage weight loss: 7.50 percent.

Black Team: Andrea: -14 pounds. Darrell: -30 pounds. Percentage weight loss: 6.19 percent.

Brown Team: James: -23 pounds. John: -23 pounds. Percentage weight loss: 4.75 percent.

Red Team: Melissa: -19 pounds. Lance: -21 pounds. Percentage weight loss: 6.69 percent.

Purple Team: Patti: -23 pounds. Stephanie: -18 pounds. Percentage weight loss: 8.09 percent.

Pink Team: Ashley: -21 pounds. Sherry: -17 pounds. Percentage weight loss: 6.42 percent.

White Team: Maria: -13 pounds. Mike: -34 pounds. Percentage weight loss: 5.82 percent.

So what does it all mean? Melissa gave Lance a slap on the wrist, saying in confessional that he needs to try harder. (Dude! He lost 21 pounds! I'm guessing Melissa is the type of person who tells her child that they need to try harder when they bring home an A- grade on a test.) But, alas, it was John and James who pulled in the lowest percentage of the night, which worked out pretty well for me, because with one of them gone, I can actually know which twin I'm writing about.

Ultimately, though John tried to sacrifice himself for his brother, the majority of the contestants agreed the one with the injury was better off trying his hand at the at-home prize. So James was sent packing, but not before he could deliver us this promise: “I'm going to be the more handsome, skinnier twin." Here's wishing you all kinds of success, James! See you in a few months!

And, with that, I'll see you all in a few weeks. (I'm on vacation next week, but will return to serve your Biggest Loser needs the week after.) Until then, I'm signing off, and reminding you all to drink your Brita water!

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