'The Biggest Loser' season finale recap: The End of the Road

Last night on the season finale of The Biggest Loser: Triumph! Tragedy! Young love! Blond hair! Previews! Montages! Holograms! Audio trouble! Thunderous applause! Our Friends At Subway! Carolina Liar! Confetti! The final two hours of the latest iteration of The Biggest Loser was alternately fascinating and frustrating, much like the season itself. Let's run down the happenings, from start to finish:

Ali Sweeney
You'd think that a performer with a background in soap operas would be melodramatic, but Ali's just the opposite: she's adorably anti-dramatic. That's an important thing on a show that demands a viewer to cry at least ten times every hour. Ali's professionalism was on display last night, as she managed to speed through a two-hour live show. Half the things she said were completely drowned out by audience applause; I couldn't decide if it was an audio problem, or if the producers specifically wanted us to feel the all-encompassing audience love.

After some opening remarks, Ali introduced Amanda and Liz, last seen begging America to vote them into the final three. America's Choice was all smiles: ''This is so amazing to go from one finale to the next!'' Liz looked a bit nervous onstage, but she glowed when Ali said, ''You wanted to quit the show for a month! Now look at you! Here you are!'' Between the three of them, that was a whole lot of blond on TV all at once.

Ali: ''After a million votes, America chose… Amanda!'' Was anybody surprised? Did anybody care? We all knew it was Rudy vs. Danny all the way for the win. Basically, this vote came down to which minor competitor would somehow manage to ride various waves of circumstance and pure luck to be in the final three. Congratulations, Amanda!

Let's run through the parade of eliminated contestants. For some people, I've included Ali's one sentence introduction, some of which are practically haikus. For others, I've included a quick description of their introductory montage. Coincidentally, all I want for Christmas is an introductory montage of myself.

Alexandra
Alexandra started at 309 pounds and got down to 218 pounds, for a total loss of 91 pounds (29.45%). Since she lost 13 pounds in her only week on campus, that means she lost an impressive 78 pounds by herself. Except not really by herself, thanks to…

Antoine
Sporting a dapper vest and Brad-Pitt-in-Troy arm muscles, Antoine stood up there looking awesome. Did he always have that tattoo? Or did it just spontaneously appear on his triceps after he stole fire from the gods? Alexandra looked on grinning as her BF went from 367 pounds to 215, for a total loss of 155 pounds (41.42%.)

Sean
Introductory montage: Sean on the phone with his pregnant wife, learning that he's going to have a daughter.
"My wife and I had that baby a month ago," said Sean. "We named her Jillian May." I can only imagine that a single tear fell down the Jilliandroid's liquid metal cheekbones when she heard that. Sean's original total was 444; he got down to 289, for a loss of 155 pounds (34.91%.) In the process, he went from looking about 16 to looking about 12.

NEXT: A villain's triumphant return

Page 1 2 3 4 5 NEXT