'Big Brother' recap: The Milky Way

Mooooo!!!! Were you udderly irritated that Big Brother said nothing about Evel Dick leaving the house even though we all know about it?  I sure was. In fact, tonight’s had way too much Dick, as the craggy-faced, cocky papa went around trying to make deals with newbies right and left. What a waste of our time as viewers, considering we know that he won’t be a factor on the show in about 48 more hours.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that tonight’s episode was without its merits, choice lines, and horrible novice game playing. So let’s get to it, starting with a player who probably won’t last much longer than the Dick himself.

Porsche. Dear, dear Porsche. At VIP cocktail waitress school, did they not teach you to hold your cards close to your enhanced chest for more than two minutes? The Florida hottie was quick to align with Evel Dick and to offer her and her horndog youth minister partner Keith’s votes to go with the veterans and against all logic. I'd get on her for acting like she'd never seen a reality show, but being a VIP waitress is busy work so maybe she hasn't had time.

Keith was, of course, horrified. And why not? He’d already formed one of the more unfortunately-named alliance in Big Brother history, the Regulators, with Cassi, Lawon, and Dominic. Mind you, I kind of like this alliance, even though I kind of hate 2-2.5 members of said alliance. It was wise for someone to form an alliance out of one member of each newbie duo. I was just hoping that Cassi and Shelly would stick together longer. I like the idea of these two sisters in Southernness outsmarting the dolts like Dominic. Also, is it just me or does Keith skeez you out? This man of God has leered at every woman in the house, humped his way through the competition, and spends way too much time working those biceps in the yard. I’d be thrilled if he went home.

Next: Don't have a cow, moon man

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