Big Brother season premiere recap: Crazy Eights, Double Ds, and El Quatro

An alliance forms, and then two alliances form inside of that alliance. And this with only half the houseguests!
Ep. 01 | Aired Jun 25, 2014

WE DON'T KNOW THEM YET But we will.

Cliff Lipson/CBS

The Alliance Currently Known In These Recaps As Michelle Quadriguez believed in one another. All the ladies wanted each other to succeed. Paola fell off almost immediately, implying that physical challenges would not be a Pow Pow speciality this season. So too fell JoeyNicole, who saw a ghost and lacked a cuddle buddy, and Joey, who was distracted by the possibility that holding onto a kite string while keeping your balance on a rotating log was the perfect metaphor for how Franklin Delano Roosevelt's New Deal attempted to rescue this country from the brink of economic apocalypse.

Sunscreen rained down upon the players. It was in their eyes. It was in their hair. It was on their abs. Those delicious, delicious abs. It came down to Amber and Frankie. Amber made a curious decision that was maybe not as stupid as it initially seemed, although it was kind of stupid: Figuring that the HoH wasn't safe, she decided to throw the competition.

That meant Frankie won, which meant this: "Go Grande or Go Home!" And also: "I'm FREAKING the FRANKIE out." But even Nicole knew that winning HoH might not be all it's cracked up to be. And Nicole's dealing with that whole ghost thing!

GHOST

So the housemates reassembled, while High Priestess Julie preached from on high. "A second group of eight houseguests will be joining you inside the house," she explained. "And one person from that group will also become head of household." That's right guys: Big Brother is going Oligarchy this season! Each week will see two HoHs; by the end of the week, only one of them will be HoH, with the other one theoretically able to go up on the chopping block.

I'm skeptical of all twists on Big Brother, but I'm vaguely optimistic about this double HoH thing. Best-case scenario, it adds a couple more layers of power-play dynamics to every week. The house doesn't just flock to one person; they flock to two very different people, two authority figures who could be enemies or could be secret allies.

I'm less sure about the Team America twist. I was hoping that the name meant that one episode per week would be told in the form of an elaborate puppet show. Instead, we viewers are going to vote on the player we'd like to be in an alliance with—and once we've voted for three people, they'll be on a super double secret alliance that engages in "secret missions." (I worry that this is the second coming of the Saboteur Twist.)

One thing's for sure: We still have eight more contestants to meet. The previews we saw of them were tantalizing. An undercover police officer. A recently divorced mother of three kids. A surfer on the dean's list. A metrosexual country boy (who, according to some reports, might be this year's proof that the Big Brother producers really need to put "Are you a racist?" onto the Big Brother questionnaire.) There's the nudist. And dear god people, there's Zach Rance, who was shown in preview playing golf in bro shorts and exclaiming, "I lie every single time I open my mouth." More fun awaits!

Tonight In Showmance:

[Fade in: Paola and Cody, laying around a bed]
Cody: "Are you from New York?"
Paola: "I live in New York, but I'm from Connecticut."
Cody: [seductively] "Uh-huh."
Paola: [in voiceover] "Dear Diary: In the outside world, I can get any guy I want. But here in Big Brother, I need to be careful."
Cody: "How old are you?"
Paola: "I'm not that old."
Cody: [blank look]
Paola: "I'm, like, 27. What are you, 23?"
Cody: [blank look]
Paola: "What kind of girls do you like?"
Cody: "I like a fit body. A nice body. Likes to work out. Like, one of those girls who works out and has a fit body. And she needs to have a personality. But I want to stress again: Fit body."
Paola: [in voiceover] "Dear Diary: I'm so in love."
[Fade Out]

Follow Darren on Twitter: @DarrenFranich


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