Julie Chen descended from her castle in the clouds. It had been a refreshing nine months. She caught up on her reading, and she caught up on Orange is the New Black, and every morning she flew upon the winged horse Striderofax to the highest peak of Mount Kazbek, where she watched every day as the imprisoned Aaryn the Loathed had her liver eaten by an eagle. Also, Julie Chen hosted a talk show where talking people talk about things talkatively–I think it's called The Verbal Exchange of Ideas Between Human Females.
But now it was time to host again. And Julie was ready. "This twisty season of Big Brother is the twistiest season yet," she told the crowd. "There is a brand new interactive twist, and there's another twist that will leave the houseguests scrambling like never before. The houseguests will be all twisted around, not sure where to twist to. The year was 1961, and 'Twist and Shout' was top of the pops. If and when I have another child, that's child's name will be Twist Chen NCIS Moonves."
Juju sent the houseguests in. They were excited. "I feel like a fish out of water!" said Donny. "I feel like I been shot out of a cannon and landed on Mars!" Pause to imagine a fish out of water landing in a cannon and getting shot to Mars; that still sounds like a better movie than John Carter. And Nicole was excited. She gave herself a pep talk: "Nicole! Don't pee your pants! Sometimes that happens when I laugh out loud, or I get too excited." Recap: Nicole believes in ghosts, needs a cuddle buddy, pees her pants when she gets excited.
The houseguests settled down. They cracked the champagne. They got to talking. Everyone was flirting with everyone, except for Donny, who was flirting with his beard. Paola announced herself as the Loud One, proudly telling everyone that her nickname is "Pow Pow." Frankie was horrified to learn that she was a DJ. "Red flag! She's a New York City DJ. She definitely knows who Ariana Grande is. She runs in the same circles!" Pause to imagine the New York City music scene as a whole series of circles, and major pop stars and DJs are just running around those circles all day.
Joe and Frankie felt like soul mates. Frankie said: "I'm the pink My Little Pony, and she's the blue My Little Pony." Joey said: "We are both peacocks." Devin stood up to introduce himself. "Hello everyone," he said. "I am a former professional sports athlete, a single father who loves my child, and a man with arms the size of Greek Island. I also have very nice eyes and the voice of a wry centaur."
Amber quickly stood up and introduced herself. "Hello, everyone! My name is Amber, I'm from Tennessee, I'm a model. To rephrase: I'm a model from Tennessee named Amber."
Everything was coming up Amber! Until Joey stood up and said, "Oh, hey gang! I'm a gal with personality and I firmly believe that the banking industry should be regulated by an oversight committee comprised entirely of clones of Elizabeth Warren created out of stem cells and... oh, shucks, there I go again, waving my silly little hands!" At which point DeVin Diesel said: "Joey is smoking hot."
Were cracks forming? Baseball Devin sought to seal them up. He told his seven assembled housemates that they were all allies now: An eight-person alliance, guaranteed a trip to jury if they circled the wagons. "What if we're the Crazy Eights?" asked Frankie, reading from the list of seven hundred possible alliance names he has spent a lifetime concocting. So they were agreed. To celebrate, the men of the house did crunches. And then to celebrate, they all immediately began sharpening their Backstab Knives.
NEXT: A day at the beach