Image credit: Lisette M. Azar/CBS
500 DAYS OF SUMMER Well, not quite. But Spencer and GinaMarie did spend 90 days inside of the Big Brother house. Spencer didn't win anything, but he set a new and utterly pointless on-the-block record. GinaMarie won $50 thousand and got to hug Nick on national television.
After a season of quiet gameplay, Andy owned the final night of Big Brother season 15. But there were other things that happened last night, and it was all ridiculous.
Dr. Will Comes to Jury
Beloved Big Brother winner and alleged vampire Dr. Will dropped by the Jury House to play Andy Cohen to the Jury's Housewives Reunion. When he asked who they wanted to see joining them, Jessie once again revealed herself as this season's Cassandra, saying that he hoped it was Andy: "It's about time he get a taste of his own medicine." Elissa, for her part, said she thought it would be McCrae, and she bemoaned how he went from being an enthusiastic player to a wreck of a human being. "Something happened to him in the middle of the game," she said, "And I don't know what." Across the table, Amanda stared daggers at her, pondering a million different household uses for Elissa's skull.
Amanda and Elissa were still fighting in the afterlife. Amanda said she forgave Elissa for being passive-aggressive. Elissa responded passive-aggressively. Candice didn't get along with Amanda, either: "Everything's happy in Candyland, and you're not there with me." STOP TRYING TO MAKE CANDYLAND HAPPEN, CANDICE. But bust this, people: Candice said that she and Aaryn "have become really good friends." Oh, to be a fly on the wall of the Jury House this past month! There's hope for us, America!
The debate about the Jury's vote was interesting, mostly because people struggled to come up with a reason to vote for anyone besides Andy. Aaryn pointed out that GinaMarie was the one person Amanda couldn't manipulate. Helen pointed out that Spencer "survived the demise of his own game." More interesting were throwaway bits of information -- like how McCrae's whole plan was originally (or always?) to take Amanda to the Final Three and then cut her out.
About Amanda for a moment. She was the clear villain of this season, and anecdotally, it seems like the hostility towards her goes deeper than with past "villains" like Mike Boogie. People really don't like her. To her credit, Amanda seems to realize this, and last night saw her begin her subtle rehabilitation campaign. In one of the questions asked during HoH, she said: "The moment in the house that I'm afraid to have my friends and family see...is every single one." Later, when Julie Chen asked her who she thought the MVP was, Amanda correctly guessed America. "I didn't think I was disliked as much as I was," she said. "Then I walked out of the house and heard fifty percent boos." She concluded, "I'm definitely not dull, Julie!"
The End of Spencer
Spencer lasted about two minutes in Part One of the HoH competition and could barely muster the energy to complete Part Two. During his exit interview with Julie Chen, there was an audio kerfluffle, and we could still hear GinaMarie and Andy talking. This meant that Spencer's closing statements -- his last will and testament after 90 days of struggle -- were occasionally overshadowed by casual conversation between the two people who defeated him.
Things couldn't possibly get worse. They got worse. Julie Chen had only a moment to talk to the returning early-evicted houseguests. Tragically, she did not ask Nick about GinaMarie. Instead, she made a vague statement about what it was like being "at home watching Big Brother" and asked Howard for his thoughts. Howard looked very nervous, and made an oblique but emotional statement about "the severity with which some of the comments were taken." Howard ended on a hopeful note: "Hopefully there's change from the inside out."
While he talked, the camera cut to the three main racism offenders who still don't know that there was a few weeks this summer when they were Internet Enemy Number One: Aaryn, GinaMarie, and Spencer. Because Aaryn got Frost/Nixoned by Julie Chen, she had the good sense to look apologetic. Inside the house, awaiting news about her impending prize, GinaMarie nodded happily. So Julie Chen asked Spencer: "What's your reaction to that, Spencer?" Spencer, who clearly had no idea why he got the question, said he was sorry "if there's a bunch of people that are upset with the language" and made some weird statement about "bringing bad publicity on the show."
There was a long pause. Then:
"Did I say anything, Julie?"
Good night, sweet Spencer. Flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. They should make you a trophy to commemorate your nominations record. Ideally, the trophy should be a bust of your face; underneath it, engraved in the stone, sits your catchphrase: "So, I'm up on the block. And it sucks."
Excerpt from "Me, Myself, Am GinaMarie," a new one-act play coming soon to Off-Broadway
GinaMarie sits onstage, trapped in the glare of an unforgiving spotlight. Another spotlight falls onto a podium with a microphone. Amanda ascends.
Amanda: "What was your biggest game move, other than getting me out?"
GinaMarie: "I would say probably my biggest game move was...y'see, it was my choice to put you and McCrae up, so I'd say that my biggest game move, if we're talking about moves in this game that are big, and therefore are not small, whereas therefore it's a "move" and not like a not-moving kind of deal thing, then I'd say my biggest game move was getting you out."
Amanda: [Long Pause] "So... other than getting me out?"
GinaMarie: "Other than getting you out, y'know, getting you out wasn't like getting you in, because "in" and "out" aren't the same thing, amiright? So I was on the Exterminators and we got you out, but I was planning to get you out before there was an Exterminators, so my biggest move other than getting you out, I'd say, was getting you out."
[Amanda exits. Candice ascends the podium.]
Candice: "Since you personally offended many members of the jury, why should we vote for you?
GinaMarie: [Laughs] "When Nick left, it was totally shocking for me. I acted the way I acted because I was totally shocked, is how shocking it was, totally. But to give me the money would change my life, would change my family's life, would change my friends' lives. Life: It's all we got, 'yknow? It's like that song goes: "It's My Life." Bon Jovi! What kinda name's Bon, knowwhatimean? Anyhow, I can only be the best GinaMarie I can possible be. And I can only be GinaMarie if I'm me. 'Cause that's who I am. Me. GinaMarie."
[Candice exits. The Fifteenth Clone of Julie Chen suddenly emerges from a hole in the floor, while spooky music plays in the background.]
Fifteenth Clone of Julie Chen: "GinaMarie, can you please give a final statement to the Jury, explaining why they should vote for you?"
GinaMarie: "When I walked into this house, I said it was a good-looking house. You guys really do look awesome. You guys know me. I'm GinaMarie. Everything in this game, I played loyal. It's only me. GinaMarie. That's me. Who I am is who I was, and who I was is who I'm gonna be, while I'm being me. GinaMarie is how I play, and how I am. It's the only way I know how to do what I do, which is be me. You're all unique and special in your own certain way, and that goes double for me, in a certain way. If there is anyway I defended anyone, I want to apologize to you personably. My density has popped me to you. I mean, I am your density. Because I'm GinaMarie, and that's who I am, because I'm me and you're you and I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. GinaMarie."
A walrus crawls onstage. Dies. GinaMarie stands up and walks away. The spotlight remains.
This was a weird season of Big Brother. The house was dominated in the opening weeks by an apparently powerful alliance that was immediately destroyed -- thanks partially to the season's MVP twist and partially to key alliance member's incredibly toxic first-fortnight personalities. The most toxic personality, Aaryn, managed to survive the Hot-Person Exodus, only to become the pawn of one of the most successful showmances in Big Brother history.
In the weird middle month of the season, Amanda transformed from an crusading voice for the underclass into a full-evil Empress. McCramda ruled the house unopposed, taking down one almost-powerful player after another...until suddenly their reign came to an end when a team of misfits united against them.
It wasn't always thrilling, but it was never boring. It has been a pleasure recapping the madness for you during these past five hundred years. Definitely post your thoughts about the finale and the season in the comments. And now, this is the moment when I have to mention something important. When this season started all those eons ago, here is what I said about Andy:
He teaches public speaking and cheerfully told the camera that he can lie to someone's face with a big smile on his face. He also very clearly understands that there's more to winning Big Brother than winning competitions. For all these reasons Andy is my Ridiculously Early Confident Pick to Win it All.
Thank God I bet all my money on that prediction. Otherwise, I wouldn't be writing this recap from my new beach house. In Rio. (de Janeiro.)
Epilogue: Elissa's Self-Esteem is Just Fine, Thanks for Asking
She won America's Choice. Let's sum up that decision with a visit from our friend, McCrae In A Moment Of Epiphany.
Follow Darren on Twitter: @DarrenFranich