I need to say something about Victoria. My colleague Darren Franich and I have ragged endlessly on this poor photographer (I have a hard time believing she has ever taken a picture in her life that wasn’t a selfie or a photo of a brunch menu), but there is a sassy undercurrent to Victoria that fills her with this hilarious electricity that shocks every once in a while. Sure, she’s a massive floater and a total princess and she kind of sort of looks like Jynx or Wartortle, but Victoria is a woman who knows herself—and that self absolutely hates Zach.
I didn’t know their hatred toward each other was so deeply rooted, but the rivalry was on full display tonight. Zach desperately tried to woo Victoria for a vote, but she saw through it as the latest rude cherry on the sundae of teasing misery that Victoria has been eating all summer long.
So she did something unspeakable. Something truly horrific. She kicked Zach while he was down. And he wasn’t just Rugrats baby’s-eye-view down, but Rick Moranis Honey I Shrunk the Kids down. And Victoria squished him like a bug, ripping his fragile, gator-tattooed heart out with the simple combo of a knife (first mistake: someone handing her a knife) and Zach’s pink hat.
I mean, Victoria’s pink hat. Did we really know it was Victoria’s? Zach took complete ownership of it, much like the early American settlers or Anne Baxter in All About Eve. But Victoria still believed it to be hers, even though Zach was totally leaving that house with the hat, and so she slashed it and sliced it and diced it and gouged its eyeballs out and poisoned its wedding goblet and cut its head off in front of Ned Stark’s daughter and ate it with some nice fava beans. R.I.P. Pink Hat. You were a good pink hat, and Victoria’s horrific act is a crime that would offend both Anna Wintour and Brittany from the Chipettes in equal measure. It was a low blow, even for Victoria, because it crossed that threshold of "what happens in the house stays in the house" by ensuring that Zach couldn't keep what would have been his most beloved reminder of his time on Big Brother.
Poor, sad Zach’s face was heartbreaking when Victoria revealed her crime in his exit interview:
There’s also the other topic at hand: the jury house reunion of Nicole and Hayden, and the jury competition that earned Nicole a place back in the house. It’s too early to tell exactly how this will shake things up—as I said on the first page of this recap, I suspect there’s one shot and one shot only for Nicole to make a major impact here, and it’ll depend entirely on whether Christine is willing to flip. (Victoria is also a potential flip here, and although she’s cozied up to Derrick, there’s still a volatility there that might only become unleashed when two mean girls team up on her.)
Other interesting things that happened tonight: Jocasta chopped strawberries, Hayden demonstrated a deep love for Ariana Grande, Cody demonstrated a deep hatred for wearing shirts (he immediately ripped his off after eviction), and the Chenbot almost short-circuited when Will Arnett poured a bucket of ice water over her head. On that last topic, I was 99 percent convinced that Julie would re-appear after the commercial break in an old-timey striped bathing suit and goggles, but I’m glad to see that she threw aside that classic Chen glamour and embraced the inevitability of her hair turning into Cousin Itt.
Good night! I'll leave you with my other possible titles for tonight's recap: A Mighty Hat, She's Just Not That Into Hats, Hats We Lost in the Fire, and P.S. I Love You(r Hat)