Things that never come to an end: Burt’s Bees sticks, the Law & Order franchise, Cher’s farewell tour.
Things that come to an end: All good things, mankind’s fragile existence on this volatile Earth, Zach Rance.
Screw you, Team America. You know exactly what you did. It’s indirectly your fault that Zach is gone. Probably.
When Zach first made his Big Brother debut at the beginning of the season, every hand gesture and overly enunciated diary room shout (with the same decibel level for every emotion) suggested BB villainy. Here was a guy who immediately began terrorizing his fellow houseguests with the kind of class clown playground antics that made him both the most popular kid at school and the most obnoxious one. Look no further than Victoria, whose rivalry with Zach looked like it could have been ripped from an episode of Degrassi (ugh, and one of the bad seasons, like 7).
And yet, in a surprise turn of character-driven events, Zach somehow managed to become the Heart of the Big Brother house this season, if you consider that Derrick is the Brains, Christine the Eyes, Cody the Torso, Frankie the Bottom (well…), Donny the Actual Heart, Caleb the Tail Stump, and Victoria the Phantom Itch You Swear Just Appears Sometimes. Zach is by far my favorite contestant this season for reasons across the board, from his Frankie showmance to his unprovoked demonstrations of emotion (both good and bad) to the very meme-able mound of empathy we call Sad Zach.
But ultimately it was Angry, Irrational Zach that caused all of the other Zachs to pack up their bags and vacate the house. He accepted the inevitability of his turning into E.T. (and going home, baby!) with a semblance of dignity, but like any good player, Zach knew he had to make one last campaign tour and try to curry favor. Caleb wasn’t budging, and Frankie at least pretended to sympathize, but save for Donny, Zach knew he had no options left. And so he teased up his hair like Tracy Turnblad, tossed on a bow tie (that looks 1000000% better than anything Jocasta has ever tied around her neck), and faced his fate with clear eyes, full hearts, baggie full of Froot Loops.
The Greek tragedy of it all is Donny, who could have saved Zach had he been more active. Donny has been saying “I suspect they all might be working together” for weeks now. WEEKS. Every single episode. Now, I’ve heard rumors that he’s been playing a pretty hard game in the live feed, and that’s not being reflected in the show, but tonight we saw Donny try to loop Zach into a trusted partnership, which was promising but too late. Later, he tried to grab Christine’s ear about flipping on The Detonators—even more promising, but also too late. If only Donny had acted on his suspicions a week or two earlier, he could have wrangled up the misfit toys into a loner alliance journeying toward the icy front of the final block (the alliance’s name would, of course, have been The Donny Party). It all could have saved Zach and turned The Detonators into last week’s Chipotle.
Then again, a Donny alliance would have included Christine (because all alliances do), but that would have required her to actually make a big move and defect from The Detonators, which she would never have done but really should have done before she gets ousted herself next week. BUT then then again again, with the re-entrance of Nicole into the house, there’s room for an alliance with Donny and the three girls versus the four boys of the Detonators. That’s the showdown I’d like to see—and it’s the major move that could get Christine to the end, albeit with four jury votes against her for such a late-in-the-game loyalty swap. (But let’s be honest, Christine wasn’t winning anyway.)
NEXT: We need to talk about Victoria