Is it possible for an episode of Big Brother to be one half The English Patient, one half World War Z? One part Steel Magnolias and one part 28 Days Later? One part the scene in Lost where Charlie uses a Sharpie and saves the island, one part the moment in The Ring when the dead girl’s face turns into the Ghostbusters logo?
What I’m saying is, tonight's episode began with sadness and ended with zombies, as is the case with most of my Thursday nights. It was a pretty bleak week in the Big Brother tree house, with Nicole pretty devastated that she was put on the block by her former BFF Christine. By picking Nicole, Christine has officially chosen sides, and she’d better hope the Detonators don’t turn their back on her. (As we can tell from their brief celebration in the HoH lair, there are enough ass-spanks to go around to keep this alliance going for another few weeks at least.)
But Nicole is a moper, much like Eeyore, Charlie Brown, or Minnie Mouse behind closed doors. So she confronts Christine to ask why she was put up, and it all makes sense—with her back against the wall, Christine had to pick sides with The Detonators, and it’s a game play move that Nicole respected, as she revealed in her exit interview. Nicole also mopes to Victoria, expressing that her deepest concern is not sticking around long enough to get made fun of by Zingbot.
The sadness continued with Donny "I've Been Alone This Whole Time" Thompson, who teared up when in the Have-Not room with Zach. As it happens, Donny feels like he’s been left out of conversations, which is definitely true. Have you ever stopped to think about how lonely the rest of the house must feel when practically every conversation has taken place in the HoH room? Poor Donny must get, like, six hours of human interaction a day, not counting the three hours he spends recalibrating Victoria’s circuit boards and the five hours spent making each individual beard hair feel loved. Zach repeats the phrase that will forever come to define Donny in future seasons: “Fear the Beard,” which coincidentally should also serve as a motto for up-and-coming gay actors and actresses in Hollywood.
And finally, the third saddest thing that happened in the episode: Cody hit himself in the face. (Fourth saddest is his haircut, which looked great from the front but horrific from the back.)
Nicole, for what it's worth, did some good recon this week. She’s pleading her case to Christine—get rid of Donny—and it’s kind of working. But the key to every eviction, week after week, is Christine. Nobody has ever successfully ganged up on The Detonators, and she’s the reason why. Everyone who has ever wanted to form a new alliance has tried to involve Christine—maybe it’s the inviting glasses or the knowledge that she can make a mean ice-brewed chai—and her involvement in The Detonators has precluded those plans from materializing. Every single plot revealed to Christine has gone back to The Detonators, an alliance that literally landed in her lap, and Christine’s gossip has fueled most evictions. Love her or hate her, Christine is the reason The Detonators have continued to avoid any minority alliances. Personally, I would love to have seen Donny, Victoria, Christine, and Nicole make a power play in weeks past, back when Hayden and Jocasta were also available. But then we'd still have to see Hayden and Jocasta and nobody wants that.
NEXT: In which I debate the merits of Jerry Jones vs. Cherry Jones