Double eviction! Jury house! Angry Nicole! Wheezing Donny! Rhyming Zach! The death of the double HoH twist for an hour! Just because you’re out of the house, you’re not necessarily out of the game! Allison Williams playing Peter Pan!?!?
Holy moly, what an hour of Big Brother. Sure, we’ve been expecting the double eviction ax to drop all week long, but this week has certainly proven to be one of major upheaval in the BB treehouse, and thus the drama of tonight’s episode has truly reached a “Hogwarts is under attack” level of intensity.
Double evictions are just the rudest. They shake up the game, but in a way that’s almost so horrifyingly unexpected, it’s unlikeable. Tonight’s shake-up was utterly delicious, though. Twisted summer ever indeed.
Let’s break it down:
PART 1: THE PRE-SHOW FESTIVITIES
Remember when the episode began and the threat of Zach's departure was looming? Oh, those good old days. Much like Trapper-Keepers and French Toast Crunch, the idea that Zach could leave seems like a distant memory from a lifetime ago. But at the episode’s onset, we find Derrick, Cody, and Hayden thoroughly convinced that Zach is likely going home, and rather than incur the wrath of Zach Attack (now a certified superhero), they decide to give him the peace of mind and not tell him—or Frankie—he’s being voted out. But when Frankie catches Cody and Derrick mid-plotting, the most awkward thing in the history of awkwardness happens. Not only does Cody completely stop mid-sentence, but he winks and then says “’ello, sir!” in a cockney accent. I honestly can’t decide which action was worse because they were both so painfully, horrifically cringe-worthy. It was like Cody imitated every bad romantic comedy ever, and the result was just bad. (Movie idea: Cody in Cockney Blocked, co-starring Katherine Heigl.)
Derrick tries to do recon with Frankie, and they mutually decide that Zach is a manipulator and not long for this world, which breaks poor Frankie’s heart à la Ralph Wiggum in The Simpsons. Frankie really does seem convinced that there’s nothing he can do to save Zach, an attitude that the Pink Grande seems to have adopted a few weeks ago and never dropped. Alas, all good romances must come to an end. Until! The boys let Caleb in on the plan, and wouldn’t you know it—Caleb convinces them that it’d be dumb to get rid of Zach for the numbers. This suddenly dawns on Derrick, who is ostensibly the Velma of this group and should have come to this realization a long time ago. “Zach might be a snake, but he’s my snake,” quips Derrick, and so a meeting of the Detonators is called and Nicole and Hayden are exposed for their plan of backdooring Frankie and Christine. Thus, the Detonators have been picked up for another season! Just like the why-won’t-you-die Community, the Detonators just can’t seem to stay down for too long. How many times has the alliance basically destroyed and regenerated itself à la Groot this season?
PART 2: OH, THE PLACES YOU'LL GO (AFTER YOU'RE EVICTED)
So the votes roll around and Zach stays, largely because of the aforementioned Detonators' renewal but perhaps also because he proves himself to be a rhyming genius and master of the Dr. Seuss game. Donny and Hayden seem genuinely shocked that Jocasta is going home. The level of their shock itself shocks me, but is perhaps not as shocking as the fact that Victoria got the vote right, because I have to believe that nobody really tells Victoria anything remotely related to strategy in this house. Like, does she just sit there making up her own mind? I bet that sometime during the 23 hours of the day Victoria spends in bed, she made one of those little fortune-teller things out of folded notebook paper and used that to guide her decision.
Jocasta leaves, and I’m sure someone out there thinks her exit interview with Julie is interesting, but I’m not going to waste the text space. She was a worthy player who managed to stick around much longer than she should have, if only because she was a pawn for getting out more threatening players. But her time is up, and if she doesn’t end up coming back into the game (as Julie so coyly teased), I’d like to think she’ll open up a bow-tie store somewhere that maybe someone will go to because they got lost on the way to a Sonic.
And now, things get REAL. To lead us into the major drama of the night, here's a photo of Ariana Grande realizing she's forgotten the lyrics to "Bang Bang."
NEXT: The “double” part of “double eviction”