Big Brother recap: Tell me about the rabbits, Caleb

Caleb and Amber's fauxmance officially explodes with multiple betrayals, and two innocent bunnies are caught in the crossfire.
Ep. 17 | Aired Jul 31, 2014

DONNY DECLINES: Let's give a big cheer for good ol' Donny, who recognized the inherent stupidity of this week's Team America mission and decided to take the fall.


Later—and again in the HoH room—Zach teases Amber about Caleb, and he strikes such a chord that she runs out in tears and goes to the Mario Party room to seek solace from Christine. “I want Caleb gone,” she basically says. “I’m done,” she actually says. And then Christine does what Christine does best—tells her alliance everything. (The idea that Christine was almost Zach’s target this week gave me too much of a fright because I think she’s playing one of the best games in the house… although she still has Derrick, Cody, and Frankie to contend with.) Christine tells Derrick and Frankie, who then tell Caleb that Amber is coming after her, thereby putting the nail in Amber's designer-lined D&G coffin. [The Ballad of Caleb and Amber: Part 3—Les Liaisons Dangereuses] Upon hearing the news of her betrayal, Caleb goes predictably ballistic—or "beast mode," as I refuse to call him because Caleb is much less a Transformers toy and more like a California Raisin toy from a late '90s Happy Meal—and fumes. I think for a hot second we’re going to get our first major explosion of the year, but no, we just get a very sad Caleb in a very sad onesie with very sad fabric color choices, murdering bunny slippers and making a statement about the fragile nature of man’s relationship with animal.

It's the Great Eviction, Julie Brown!

Before the votes roll in, Julie clears up some of the week's events, particularly Zach’s angry outburst ("I just want to reiterate… I hate all of you") and Nicole’s weird cry-laugh ("I like Froot Loops and dingus means 'adorably quirky'"). Plus, what's a season of Big Brother without a maybe sort of vaguely homophobic reference to gays and fashion!? Thanks, Caleb. Stay classy.

Julie also reveals this week’s secret mission for Team America. And guess what we did, guys: We decided it was in our three supposedly favorite players' best interests to "vote against the majority of the house in this week's eviction and then publicly accuse two other houseguests of being the ones responsible for the eviction fallout." AMERICA, ARE WE KIDDING US??? Why would we want this awful mission? Why are we even doing these awful missions to begin with? Derrick informs Frankie and Donny, and Donny basically refuses because Donny is pure bearded awesomeness, so Team America fails another week. And you know what? Good for them. This is getting stupid, and there’s no punishment for failing a Team America mission anyway, so why even do it? Long live laziness! (Just ask Nicole.)

As voting time rolls around, Amber makes a last-ditch plea to drive home that she’s played a game that’s honest and loyal, honest and loyal, fire burn and cauldron bubble. Jocasta says hello to about 50 people and says something about praying. But of course, she'll be safe because everyone is voting for Amber. [On a separate note, what happened to the great transitional greetings that this cast used to have on their journey in and out of the diary room? The only one we got tonight was Zach and Caleb exchanging Zach’s signature arm clap thing (not the Florida Gator Chop that he does after casting a vote, but the other arm clap thing that’s a mash-up of Jambi granting one of Pee-Wee’s wishes and the "We act like we're on speed" line from the opening cheer of Bring It On).]

It shouldn’t be much of a surprise that Amber's exit is bitter-ish. She wants out of the house without any hugs, although Hayden gets one good half-hearted squeeze in. The surprise here is that she didn’t blow up the alliance, as she promised last week she would. When Julie quizzes her in the exit interview, Amber says she felt most betrayed by Caleb, and then amends her statement to include Cody, who became her best friend in the house and still voted her out. She does get some great applause for saying great empowering things like "I'm not here for a showmance" and "I wasn’t interested and I’m not going to pretend to be to win some money" and "The cold never bothered me anyway." And of course, what would an elimination be without a goodbye message from Donny, who makes Amber cry simply because he is Donny. (P.S. Also, it's worth mentioning that during my exit interview with Amber on EW Radio, I accidentally spilled the beans about who Frankie's sister is.)

Quickly, we move into the HoH competition, which is a quiz format based on the players’ memory of Big Brother "loops" (in the real world we call them GIFs) of the season’s competitions. We cut off before a winner is announced, but it's down to Zach, Hayden, Donny, Nicole, and Caleb. Julie also tells us that next week will be a double eviction. Uh oh. Will we finally have a major shake-up that will change the alliance that’s been dominating for weeks? Dare we move an episode out of the HoH room for, oh, the 10th time this season? Everyone left in the house is so likeable, plus Victoria and Jocasta, so maybe we’ll finally get the Sim-on-Sim action I’ve been dreaming of.

Follow me on Twitter: @MarcSnetiker

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