Big Brother recap: Like I'm Looking Into Hell

The house goes supernova as Elissa plots vengeance and Amanda goes Full Villain. Plus: The Return of Zingbot!
Ep. 27 | Aired Aug 28, 2013

THE LAST OF THE GANG TO DIE Two months in and Elissa finally decided to play. Could it be too late? Or can she strike a killing blow against the Amanda brigade? Is she the hero we need, or the hero we deserve? In this Dark Knight metaphor, Amanda is the Joker, Andy is Two-Face, Helen is Rachel Dawes, Judd is Alfred, and GinaMarie is Burt Ward.


Elissa gave Aaryn her marching orders: If you get Houseguest's Choice, pick Judd. At the Veto selection, Elissa picked Amanda -- a terrible twist. But McCrae picked GM and Aaryn got to choose Judd. This sent Amanda into a fury. "Why didn't you pick Andy?" It was shocking to see just how open she was in her complaints. She joined McCrae for a duo shower; Aaryn tried to explain that she was doing it for her game, and Amanda yelled, "That was not an alliance-member move at all." Amanda was, literally, strutting around nude inside of the Big Brother house, with her boytoy on a leash, demanding that Aaryn explain why she did not make a move that would have only helped Amanda to rescue McCrae. GM, for her part, was furious that Aaryn didn't see Amanda's selfishness sooner. "I told you this weeks ago. That bitch. She's a loser. She don't win s---."

Generally speaking, seasons of Big Brother trend in three directions. Sometimes, it comes down to a couple of factions plotting against each other. Sometimes, a plan comes together perfectly, and the final weeks see an alliance slowly and cheerfully take over the house. (Big Brother 12, which is generally remembered as a boring season, was fascinating to watch just because of the ridiculously successful Brigade alliance: It was the pleasure of watching a plan come together, A-Team style.) And then there are seasons where the tensions that have built up during the summer suddenly come exploding out -- when human beings who have lived outside of society for too long, who perhaps are terrified of the idea of leaving the comfortable environs of Big Brother, begin to go mad.

It's clearly the apocalypse option this season. Amanda picked a fight with GM, and GM picked a fight right back; McCrae and Elissa had to calm them down. Amanda decided to go have a chat with Elissa. It was a bracing performance. She told Elissa that GM was a two-faced liar, and she told Elissa they had always been friends, and she started crying. And Elissa, god bless her, stayed noncommittal. She said she hadn't even thought about a replacement nominee. I have no idea where this new Elissa came from, but she seems to have absorbed all of Helen's lessons and learned a few herself. Or maybe Elissa just refuses to trust anyone.

On an unrelated note, if I believed in reincarnation, there are only three people I would want to be reincarnated as: Zingbot, Zingbot, and Zingbot. Yes, my friends, it was finally time for everyone's favorite joke-monster machine to invade the Big Brother house and terrorize the houseguests with highly accurate humor. He told McCrae that Amanda was wearing the pants and he told GM that she was Glenn Close to Nick's Michael Douglas. His sharpest jab was at Andy: "I think there's a ghost in this house; it has a high-pitched voice, it's pale, and it floats...oh wait, that's just Andy, ZIIIIING!!" (Andy might have gotten off easy; Spencer didn't even justify a Zing.) Frankly, my one disappointment is that Zingbot let Aaryn off entirely too easy. Ohhhh, Aaryn is mean? WHAT A BURN! However, such a diplomatic jab is understandable: it's common knowledge that Aaryn traveled to the future and made a pact with the Zingbot overlords who will take over America in the year 2018.

(ASIDE: I still think Zingbot should host his own weekly Big Brother aftershow. Actually, I think Zingbot should replace Sharon Osborne on The Talk. Actually, I think Zingbot should host everything Chris Hardwick hosts. Can you imagine him on The Talking Dead? Actually, wait, now I'm imagining a show where Zingbot and Michael Rooker solve crimes, and Michael Rooker doesn't realize that every crime was actually perpetrated by Zingbot. Now I'm imagining Zingbot as the villain in Fast & Furious 8. Now I'm imagining Zingbot replacing Ben Affleck as Batman in the Man of Steel sequel. Now I'm imagining Zingbot as the President. Now I'm imagining Zingbot starring in a George Washington biopic. There is literally nothing I can imagine Zingbot doing that is not the greatest thought to ever reside in my headbrain. What if it turns out that Zingbot was Big Brother the whole time? END OF ASIDE.)

Zingbot was throwing a surprise party for Baby Zingbot, who is already one year old and looks a little bit like R2-D2 with legs and an early-'90s cool-but-rude 'tude. There were lots of other robots in attendance; it kind of looked like a steampunk party, except with less virgins and more authentic science. The housemates had to roll a Zingtonium Ball back and forth 250 times without dropping it. You laugh, but early reports indicate that James Cameron is making Avatar 3 all about Zingtonium, which is symbolic of gasoline or money or whatever.

All the pieces were in place for Elissa to stage the biggest move of the season. Judd was on her side. Aaryn was with her, ready to come off the block and vote -- and with Aaryn came GM. Amanda would be up against her McCrae: Even if she stayed in the house, her heart would be torn out. All they had to do was make sure that someone who wasn't Amanda won the Veto competition.

NEXT: Someone who wasn't not Amanda won the Veto competition

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