THE MAN OF MY DREAMS Smashley's future husband must love eating, sleeping, watching movies, playing Monopoly, traveling, looking at the stars, building snowmen, building sandcastles, building actual castles, and giving foot massages to monkey butlers. Also, he must supply the monkey butlers.
Team Britney struggles to survive in the wake of Willie's departure, while Frank and Mike Boogie expand their empire| Published Jul 25, 2012
I've noted before that Shane the House Flipper is a very handsome man. It's an unavoidable observation. He has skin colored olive-brown like the sands of the Mediterranean. His ebony-black hair is styled upward, like a wave crashing on the shore at midnight during a full moon. His chin is like an aircraft carrier plunging through those dark moonlit waves, and the aircraft carrier is firing brain-missiles of raw hypnotic beauty out of his eye sockets. What I'm trying to say is that Shane looks like Joey Fatone if Joey Fatone had been Justin Timberlake. He looks like the guy who plays the villain on an episode of White Collar. I suspected that he was just a pretty face and figured he would A) go home early, or B) hang out as a meatshield for one of the smarter players.
I was wrong. On last night's episode, Shane was backed up against a corner. Before Willie got disappeared from the Big Brother house by Mama Grodner's bullyboys, he apparently went on a haterade bender. He didn't just turn the house against him; he turned the house against everyone in his circle. The remaining members of Team Britney were flailing. Jojo begged Frank for mercy, but Frank had no mercy to offer her. "I told you: Vote for me, and I can trust you," said Frank. "Y'all stuck with Willie."
I'm getting the vibe that Frank is emerging as a fan-favorite this season. I can understand why. He's a smart player and a serious competitor in physical competitions. He also just seems like a genuinely good dude. He's quick with a smile. But there's an undeniable John Wayne side to Frank's personality. And I don't mean like John Wayne in Rio Bravo; I mean like John Wayne in The Searchers, a man you don't want to mess with, a man who will not forgive. To complete the film analogies, Frank has the genial personality of Jimmy Stewart in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance but also has the harsh moral code of John Wayne in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance is such a good movie, you guys.
Frank was laser-focused on decimating Team Brit-Brit. In the process, he ignored the potentially sneakier move by a suddenly-revived Mike Boogie: Pack the block with loyal teammates, seize the veto, and backdoor Shane. Now, I've been very critical of Uncle Boogie this season, since so far he's mostly been swanning around the house looking like a divorced dad who just walked out of a shopping spree at Hot Topic. But that was a damn sneaky plan. Maybe it was too sneaky. Maybe it would have backfired in a big way. Still, you get the sense that Boogie -- having gotten his first taste of Big Brother power -- is rediscovering his old, bad, brilliant self.
Frank didn't dig Boogie's plan, though. He put Jojo and Shane up on the block. Britney was not happy. Her game was falling to pieces, like a skyscraper in a Christopher Nolan movie. "I feel like I just take on all of the guilt," she said. "This is a terrible place to be in. I'm kind of at a loss." The Veto competition was stacked high with collaborators in the Boogie/Janelle alliance: Wil, Ian, and Smashley.
Oh, Smashley. Fellow viewers, I usually try to maintain a certain amount of aesthetic distance from the shows that I recap. That's not a personal choice. The first two rules of recapping, written in blood and co-signed by Messrs. Barrett and Jensen, clearly state: "First, do no harm, unless harm is funny, in which case bombs away! Second, do not become emotionally connected to the subjects of your recaps." But I can't help it! I have these feelings inside of me. It's like someone stuck a bag filled with burning butterflies inside of my stomach, and the smoke from the burning butterflies is making my heart sneeze. When I look at Smashley, my brain goes all stupid. I just want to sit on the couch and play Beemo with her.
And I think the feeling might be mutual, maybe. Midway through the episode, Smashley announced her intention to marry a man. She didn't know who he was...and yet, she knew exactly who he was. "Roughly five years older than me," she said. "I'd preferably like him to have his own business. Looks aren't huge for me, I've dated my share of frogs. Loves going out to eat, loves
sex snacks, loves movies, loves to play Monopoly all night long. Likes to travel, likes to work out, likes to look at the stars, likes to eat food, like to sleep, and… I think that's all." Like 67% of that describes me perfectly, which constitutes an A- thanks to the shoddy grade-inflated education standards of these United States.
NEXT: A thoughtful examination of the shifting demographics of modern-day America vis-à-vis the expanded socio-political importance of the Hispanic-American population. Also, salsa!