Big Brother season premiere recap: Most Valuable Pizza Boy

The summer reality crazyfest returns, with a bigger cast and gamechanging new twists. Also, something named 'Aaryn'
Ep. 01 | Aired Jun 26, 2013

THE BIGGEST BROTHER OF THEM ALL One of these people is a train conductor. One of them is a lifeguard. One of them is a pageant coordinator. One is an "entrepreneur." And yet, for some reason, the show insists that only one of the houseguests is unemployed.

Cliff Lipson/CBS

I have a confession. When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. When I was a young adult, I outgrew that silly dream, and decided I wanted to be an astronaut who solved space murders using time travel. But now that I'm a grown man person, there's only one job I really want to do, and that's be The Person Who Designs Big Brother Competitions. They all kind of resemble early-'90s Nickelodeon shows like Double Dare or Wild & Crazy Kids or Family Double Dare, except with more humiliation and with the serene voice of Julie Chen taunting the contestants from behind the camera. I like to imagine that The Person Who Designs Big Brother Competitions spends the off-season conducting experiments in Competition Science. I like to imagine that The Person Who Designs Big Brother Competitions is actually Stephen Hawking. Popsicle Factory! That's brilliant.

See, the housemates all had to hold onto giant popsicles. The popsicles were moving around in a circle. Sometimes, cold water sprayed out of the gigantic mouth, and the giant tongue licked the contestant's backsides. Sometimes, paint sprayed down from the ceiling. Sometime, there was steam. Judd checked out first, after a few minutes. "I could've held onto that popsicle for longer, but I didn't want the first HoH," he said -- a smart move, although surely he could've held on for a little longer. Jessie, meanwhile, did hilarious and decidedly R-Rated things to her popsicle. The other girls made fun of her. Other girls are always so jealous of Jessie, because of her personality and her good looks and her popsicle etiquette, tee-hee.

After three hours, there were only five contestants remaining. McCrae, David, Jeremy, Nick...and Aaryn, who proved that she had a lot of heart, even if she couldn't outlast the boys. But maybe she was lucky. As Andy pointed out: "You don't want to seem like a super tough competitor," noting that the final foursome "were way way too into that HoH competition."

Andy, by the way, comes equipped with some serious bona fides. He was the only one in the first episode to self-identify as "A Big Brother superfan," which is usually code for, "I have studied the show and realize that it involves more than looking good in a swimsuit." He teaches public speaking and cheerfully told the camera that he can lie to someone's face with a big smile on his face. He also very clearly understands that there's more to winning Big Brother than winning competitions. (Remember: Robb Stark won every battle, but lost the war.) For all these reasons Andy is my Ridiculously Early Confident Pick to Win It All.

I would've picked Jeremy, because he had a great move in the popsicle competition, but he immediately followed that up with a lame move. Great move: Julie Chen Mark 15 offered the remaining four popsicle lovers a Faustian bargain. There were two lunch pails on the table. The next two people to jump off could open those lunch pails; one of them contained a Never-Not pass, ensuring the lucky recipient would never get the Have-Not punishment.

Jeremy used a Jedi Mindtrick on Dudebro and convinced him to jump off. Dudebro walked over, opened up a lunch pail...and received a measly slice of bread for his troubles. Jeremy laughed, knowing that he had full control of Dudebro's brain. Then he jumped off, waltzed over, and grabbed his prize. This strikes me as a bad move for one reason: It's the move for a behind-the-scenes player, and Jeremy seems like a guy whose whole gameplan is focused on winning competitions. As a result, he's already engendering badwill among the houseguests. Or, as Candice put it: "It's like giving a superhero another power. Does he really need it? He's like a beast." Right now, Jeremy looks as scary as a power player, without any actual power to speak of.

NEXT: All hail the Pizzaboy! Plus: The second twist

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