Big Brother season premiere recap: Most Valuable Pizza Boy

The summer reality crazyfest returns, with a bigger cast and gamechanging new twists. Also, something named 'Aaryn'
Ep. 01 | Aired Jun 26, 2013

THE BIGGEST BROTHER OF THEM ALL One of these people is a train conductor. One of them is a lifeguard. One of them is a pageant coordinator. One is an "entrepreneur." And yet, for some reason, the show insists that only one of the houseguests is unemployed.

Cliff Lipson/CBS

Pretty much everyone decided right away that the Big Man On Campus In The House was Jeremy, a tall man with Cherokee heritage who looks like Taylor Lautner multiplied by Taylor Lautner. The women all loved him. The men, too. Jeremy was taking a house tour with Howard and Spencer (the Bearded Train Conductor.) They immediately decided to be in a secret alliance. "It's gotta be secret," said Jeremy. Spencer pitched it like he was the brains of the operation. He told us: "Jeremy is 6'5. Howard is somebody I can trust. I bring an excellent social game." Thus far, said "social game" appears to be limited to "having a beard and sticking it in people's faces."

Anyhow, Spencer isn't the only one trying to get up inside of Jeremy's head. There's also Jessie. And let's talk about Jessie, shall we? Jessie can pitch herself. "I love to be better than everybody else," she said humbly. "I was Varsity swim team," she said coolly. "I was captain of the cheerleading squad in junior high," she said casually. (ASIDE: Isn't saying you were the captain of your JUNIOR HIGH cheerleading squad kind of like saying you're really, really good at bumper bowling? END OF ASIDE.) But Jessie's got a problem. See, more than half of the human race really doesn't like her. "Girls are always jealous of me, because of my personality and my good looks," she said.

Jessie actually volunteered this information right off the bat to Jeremy and Dudebro. "Girls always come after me," she explained, as the camera cut to every other woman in the house hanging out in the dining room, presumably talking about how that weird Jessie girl keeps on talking about how difficult it was to poison all the other girls who were in the running for Captain of the Junior High Cheerleading Squad. Jessie wanted to be in an athletic team. Jeremy is athletic. Dudebro is athletic. Of course, generally, it's better to be in a well-rounded team; a team made of three athletes is kind of like building a rock band out of three drummers, or playing World of Warcraft by pounding your fist on the keyboard and screaming "Kill Stuff, Kill!" But I like Jessie. She's "unemployed," which is a euphemism for "Didn't know you could lie on your Big Brother Application Form." Jessie is my Ridiculously Early Dark Horse Pick To Win This Season; she's a "dark horse" because she vibes like someone who will self-destruct loudly and publicly in like two weeks, and who has basically told everyone she doesn't play well with others, but she also seems like someone who will make some power moves if she gets the opportunity.

The trio were suddenly interrupted in their struggle by McCrae. Let's talk about McCrae, shall we? He's like Otto from The Simpsons mixed with Jay from the Clerks movies, and he is the proudest pizza delivery boy on the face of the planet. The guy just likes delivering pizzas. He's also a little bit awkward. Combine that all together, and you have the perfect recipe for someone who might be a secret Silicon Valley billionaire. At least, that's what everyone else thinks. Amanda (from Florida, character traits TBD) said, "McCrae gives off some sort of genius aura. I do not believe that he is a pizza boy." Another houseguest said, "He ain't no pizza boy." Still another said, "Lemme give you a tip, pizza boy: You ain't foolin' anyone."

The fact that no one believes McCrae even though he's telling the truth makes me wonder if he'll turn into a Big Brother idiot savant -- and he ended the episode in a good position -- but the guy seems a bit too awkward to play a good social game. (I'm way more confident in a pair of players who didn't get much air time last night: Helen, the Chicago politico and house mom, and Nick, the entrepreneur who dresses like Adam Scott on Parks & Recreation. Helen is the oldest person in the house and Nick is the most vanilla dude -- he's neither obviously weird nor obnoxiously buff -- but they both vibe like potential power players.)

Julie called the houseguests in to tell them the summer's first twist: Instead of two houseguests on the block, there would be three. (SNAP JUDGMENT: This seems like, and is, a craven attempt to add even more drama to the weekly going-home sweepstakes. But I think it will be good in the early weeks -- especially with the largest cast this season, it'll be good to get more people in the elimination mix. Obviously, the best twist Big Brother could ever do would be to do a summer without any twists. But as we all know, every new clone of Julie Chen always emerges from the Clone Chrysalis with a whole series of Big Brother twists percolating in her/its cortex.)

And then we got to the Head of Household competition. It was called Popsicle Factory. It involved a gigantic tongue. Isn't it wonderful, in this miserable month of lighthearted shows like Game of Thrones and Mad Men, that some TV shows are still committed to highbrow programming?

NEXT: People hang onto popsicles for four hours.

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