Yesterday, Warner Bros. announced that they are planning to release roughly nine million superhero movies between now and however many years it will take for you to feel like life has passed you by.
Can it be any coincidence that Big Brother picked the same day to host a superhero-themed veto competition? Answer: No, it cannot because the Big Brother squid-man psychotherapists are in cahoots with the spider-aliens who run Hollywood. How else can you explain the fact that they got Ben Affleck to guest-star on Big Brother?
Yes, the veto competition cast every Big Brother housemate as a superhero with their very own number one comic book. You can check out the covers of those issues right here. (Don't even pretend you wouldn't read "The Beard.") The houseguests had to ride a zip line in front of a window and organize small cover-posters in the same order as the covers inside the fake comic book store. "I have to memorize comic books, jump up on a rooftop, and go zip-lining," said Victoria. "This is so out of my element." Pause to imagine a human being for whom that description would be in their element.
Anyhow, Victoria predictably played terrible. Jocasta played pretty well, but more importantly, Jocasta talked a big game. "I wanna be in the power of veto," she explained. "But most of all, I wanna show my family that I AM A HERO!" She was a buzzsaw, a dynamo. "America! Jocasta! She can save your city! OR SAVE YOUR SOUL!" Also memorable: Nicole realizing that she had missed a key aspect of her own image. "It's the weiner! I needed the picture with the big weiner! I picked the picture with the small weiner!" She concluded that she had made a serious gaffe. "That weiner mistake burned some valuable time," she said. #WeinerMistake
Surely the most memorable part of the whole event was Zach, who came on like he was the strongest of them all. "I'm very versatile," he lied. "If Superman, Batman, and Spider-Man had a kid somehow, that's me." First of all, Zach, that's impossible, because everyone knows that Spider-Man is from a different universe than Superman and Batman. And second, it turns out that Zach was actually more like Daredevil in the classic Frank Miller/David Mazzucchelli story arc "Born Again." For much like how blind lawyer Matt Murdock was driven on a downward spiral toward madness by the Kingpin, so was Zach Rance driven on a downward spiral toward madness by the cruelty of the Big Brother producers. He just couldn't get the order right. He went mad. He yelled at the gods. "This one he's wearing pink pants! This one, the missiles are red and white! This one has a sausage at the bottom!"
He began to cry. He began to laugh. He lost all track of time and space. He saw a vision of a dark future, where the evil robot sentinels have hunted Big Brother contestants to near-extinction. He finally finished the order, but he knew he was lost. The camera moved back from him, crying. He looked just like Superman in the classic Alan Moore/Curt Swan story arc "Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?"
In the end, Christine won the veto competition, defeating Nicole by a mere 30 seconds. And so it was that the #WeinerMistake cost Nicole her chance to execute one of the best players in the game.
Just for fun, let's pretend answer the question on everyone's lips: If the remaining Big Brother contestants were superheroes, what superhero would they be?
Frankie: Martian Manhunter. IMHO, Martian Manhunter is the most powerful superhero in the DC universe. Consider: He has all of Superman's powers, and he has all of Batman's smarts, and he is also a telepath, and he's a shapechanger. Like, if Superman and Jean Grey had a baby girl, and Batman and Mystique had a baby boy, and those two crazy kids wound up getting hitched and they had a kid, the result would be Martian Manhunter. He's a keen strategist, he can adapt to every situation, he's a beloved member of every ensemble. But Martian Manhunter has never been a solo star: His strength depends on his teammates. Frankie himself announced that a war is coming in the next few weeks. Martian Manhunter has a ridiculously straightforward weakness (fire), and Frankie also has an obvious weakness: His closest friend in the house is Zach, who is one of the most toxic personalities in the house.
Zach: Gambit from the X-Men. And listen, I like Gambit, but there's no denying that Gambit is more of an interesting idea than a legitimately great character. And so Zach, who comes on with lots of bluster, but hasn't been able to muster much energy as his game has declined. Can he save himself from the block? Not encouraging: The fact that he closed out Wednesday's episode by announcing that his master plan was to Do Nothing.
Christine: Black Widow because she keeps on getting invited to hang out with major power players even though she has no real superpowers besides the ability to seem vaguely mysterious.
Nicole: Blue Beetle because she looks goofy but is actually totally awesome.
Hayden: Booster Gold because he looks awesome but is actually totally goofy.
Derrick: Batman, duh.
Cody: Superman, double duh.
Jocasta: I'd go with Thor because they both peacock like crazy (winged helmet = bow tie) and because they're prone to loudly declaiming their belief in a higher power (Allfather Odin = God).
Victoria: Someone who can turn invisible, but when they turn invisible, they also retroactively turn themselves invisible for the entirety of their existence, as if they have never been there at all.
Donny: Captain America.
Caleb: U.S. Agent, a lame dude who thinks he's Captain America but decidedly is not.
The nominations stayed the same, and the future is uncertain. Zach is in several different sniper scopes right now, and he doesn't appear to be working too hard to save himself. But he is closely allied with Frankie, and Frankie could make a push to save Zach... if Frankie even wants to save Zach anymore, which is unclear. But also, there's this: Thursday is a double eviction, an episode that could radically level the playing field of the house. Who would be a definite target? Much of it depends on Derrick and Cody, who may be forced to show their cards to their two alliances. Will they try to take down Nicole and Hayden? Or will they gun for Frankie? What happens if Jocasta wins Head of Household?
And one more time, because it might be the last time: Follow me on Twitter: @DarrenFranich