And then there is the 75-year-old Jerry, who says he hasn't missed a single BB episode. This can't be true: If it were, he would realize that a 75-year-old doesn't have a chance of winning BB. Things are moving just as I'd thought they would for him, though: Whenever there's someone even slightly older than the house's usually twentysomething average — could be a mother or even just someone in their 30s — the rest of the younger, single, partying housemates always cheer the oldster's introduction a little too loudly or otherwise overly patronize them (''Wow, that's so great!''), all while subtly shimmying away so as not to get any old on them. They'll all talk for a few weeks about how ''awesome!'' said elder is, all while scrutinizing their every action for anything they can boot them over ''for their own good'' and not feel guilty about it. This is usually, ''I think s/he misses his/her family, and needs to go see them,'' or, if they so much as stumble during a challenge, ''I worry about his/her health in this house.''
When the house was told to instantly vote for the first head of household based on looks alone (as if BB houseguests ever vote using any other criteria), I knew Jerry was going to get it. It's the first week, so they all can feel really good about themselves by voting for the kindly older gentleman. Jerry has clearly thought out a strategy, and I held out hope that maybe he'd be a shrewd player who surprised us by how savvy he was. Alas, then he went and told potential ally Brian that if either of them crossed their arms in an X (as in BB10, or BBX), it was the signal that they needed to talk in private. A Korean War veteran Marine couldn't have come up with something less obvious than that? Why not just flick the giant ''BB's Diner'' sign on and off in Morse code to spell out, ''ALLIANCE MEETING AT NOON IN THE WEIGHT ROOM. BYO SLOP!''
As for the game, the first competition, ''Buggin' Out,'' had the group split into two teams, hanging upside down in VW Bugs on pulleys, and oh my God, I just got it! ''Buggin' Out!''...They're VW Bugs! That clinches it, BB is back and better than ever! Anyway, it was the usual loud, overproduced BB game, after which one team ended up on slop and Memphis won a vintage Camaro. But the pomp and circumstance of it impressed the houseguests: When they came out to the yard and saw the upside-down cars, the easily impressed Dan yelled, ''When have you ever seen that in your life?'' Well, sure...but when have you ever wanted to?
NEXT: The sitting duck quacks