Big Brother recap: A Brilliant, Brilliant Human Being

Candice attacks the wrong man, Spencer and Amanda squabble, and another houseguest takes the long walk home
Ep. 16 | Aired Aug 1, 2013

AMANDA HUGNKILL Amanda is the most vocal power player in the house. (Not to be confused with Aaryn, who is currently the most vocal power puppet.) Will that put a huge target on her back in the post-Howard era? And could it be that she's secretly being transformed into a perfect meatshield by her showmance McCrae? Pause to imagine those two in a top three. Who do you vote for? The smart and kinda smarmy lady who stabbed you in the front? Or the plucky pizza boy who looks like Eddie Vedder's De Vito twin?

CBS

Why would anyone ever call a house meeting in the Big Brother house? Clearly, the intention is always to stage a gamechanging public event -- like last season, when Dan staged his own funeral and wound up resurrecting his entire game. But Dan was a Lannister-level political genius. And Candice ain't that. So when Candice called a house meeting, it augured badness. And sure enough, she launched a full attack on the absolute wrong person. See, Helen spread a bit of hot gossip, that Spencer was arraying a group of voters against her. (Spencer had claimed that to Amanda; it was a lie, although Spencer clearly would've preferred to lose anyone to Howard.)

But Candice went on a kamikaze run. She told everyone that Spencer was gunning for her. She made a weird reference to Spencer insulting Amanda, "wishing her boob would pop out." She said, "Everyone knows the true Spencer. I wish the real Spencer would stand up." She basically painted Spencer like a Walter White-level bad guy, and she did it in full view of everyone. The crazy thing is, she wasn't wrong in her estimation of Spencer. Spencer actually is the megalomaniacal plotting supervillain that everyone accused Howard of being. But in context, she sounded like she was raving mad.

Jessie, GinaMarie, and Aaryn all met afterwards, in a daze, wondering what kind of lies Candice would spin about them. Jessie, bless her, said: "I'm starting to see that she's a threat, because of her fierce social game." I'm not sure Jessie knows what the phrase "Social Game" means." I'm not sure Jessie is present for the moments of Jessie's life."

There were some funny moments between Julie Chen and the housemates. She told them about all the famous babies they've missed while they've been inside the Big Brother house, because the castmates are lucky enough to live in a beautiful alternate reality where everyone isn't yammering on about the newborn child of two powerless monarchs.

Also, we were treated to the sight of Aaryn saying the following words: "Judd is a brilliant, brilliant human being." Apparently, everyone is very suspicious of Judd. (ASIDE: There is a running trend this season of people being extremely suspicious of hilariously un-suspicious people. Remember when everyone thought that Elissa nominated herself for eviction? END OF ASIDE.) The show treated us to an extended trip to Judd's hometown of Englewood, where everyone wears a Bear Shirt and marches in daily Judd parades and does a dance called "the Judd" which involves Judding around with your arms while your legs Judd out with Juddness.

I'm joking, but not really, Judd is going to be Mayor of Englewood in like two months, and probably someday he'll be President, because by god this is America, and there's no way Judd can do worse than the fatcats in Washington. #JuddBear2016. I'm rooting for Judd now, because he's such a happy innocent dude. In my Big Brother FanFic, Judd and Jessie wind up trapped inside of the couch room because neither of them can figure out how the door works, and nobody notices that they're gone. Around the third day of captivity, they start flirting. "You're really good at using the hole in your face to say things," says Judd. "I like the way you walk on the ground using your leg-things," says Jessie. When they get married, Zingbot is the officiant. At one point, Zingbot says, "If anyone knows of any reason why these two should not wed, speak now...oh wait, I can think of two reasons, and those reasons are named Judd and Jessie, ZZIIIIIIIINNNGGGG!" That's when Judd says, "Holy cow, it's a robot!"

The time had come for voting, and the votes lined up down the line for Howard. Only Spencer broke away from the pack, voting for Candice -- which may actually be a savvy vote, assuming that Candice is in the crosshairs next week. (ASIDE: If Candice doesn't win HoH, I still hold out hope that she can turn the tide of the house back to her side. She is so good at reading the power dynamics in the house, but so far, she's been flat-out terrible at converting that knowledge into good gameplay. END OF ASIDE.) Howard walked out of the door and looked a bit dazed during his exit interview. He said his main mistake was hanging out with the Moving Company.

Julie asked him why he didn't confront the racism in the house head-on, which strikes me as a weirdly presumptuous question to ask somebody; Howard said that he chose to take the high road and pray about it.

In all honesty, Howard didn't look like a guy who enjoyed his time in the house very much. He was bad at lying; he didn't enjoy it, not one bit. This is kind of like trying to play basketball without knowing how to dribble, or trying to play football under the impression that you'll never get hit, or trying to play baseball but not wanting to be incredibly bored for like five hours.

The episode ended with the housemates engaged in a hilarious HoH challenge which involved holding onto a bull while walking across a moving log. McCrae and Andy looked extremely comfortable, while Elissa was struggling mightily. This could be a crucial HoH week; this could be the moment when the Helen/Aaryn/Amanda coalition break rank, or when the floaters strike back. It could also just be a week when everyone agrees to target someone -- and right now, that someone appears to be Candice. Maybe she could call a house meeting!

Fellow viewers, what did you think of the episode? Who are you actively rooting for this season? My favorite player remains Helen, who is running the house with a remarkable political acumen, but both Helen and Amanda seem to be letting the power get to their heads. If you ride with the devil, you're gonna get burnt, and if you ride with Aaryn, you're probably going to wind up chained in a bathroom watching Cary Elwes saw his own foot off. We're still only at the halfway mark, which means a passive player could make a serious second-act strike: Could Andy, Jessie, or Judd make a power move?

Follow Darren on Twitter: @DarrenFranich

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