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DOMO ARIGATO, MISS DONATO... for keeping things interesting even when eviction was imminent.
How it went down: Kalia won Head of Household in a game called "Before or After," which I'm pretty sure is the runner-up for least desirable Jeopardy! category next to "Potent Potables." Then she nominated Rachel and Jeff for eviction. Then, as if the contestants weren't scared enough by the prospect of a double eviction, the houseguests competed in a veto competition involving a terrifying clown. Then, since Porsche obviously knows her way around mini-cars, the blond VIP waitress won the veto. Then Porsche satisfied my fellow Big Brother recapper Darren Franich by asking Julie Chen, "What do I do, Julie? Beep beep!" Then Porsche kept the nominations the same. Then Rachel, clearly knowing she was safe, delivered a speech more boring than rocket science. Then Jeff, clearly knowing he was leaving, used his final minutes to berate Shelly about a fight we have yet to see. Then, after a tied vote, Kalia voted to evict Jeff. Then, since her boyfriend was leaving, Jordan began to cry. Then, since she had evicted a friend, Shelly began to cry. Then, because she's like a chocoholic, but for sobbing, Rachel began to cry.
Big Jeff then walked out the door, greeted the Chenbot, and unleashed an eloquent statement spoken by many fallen leaders before him: "Nobody in there has a sack." (Andrew Johnson had much better delivery though.) In the final moments of the episode, we witnessed a Jeff so flustered by his eviction, he couldn't even convey any coherent thoughts. Instead, he opted to simply state hard facts when the Chenbot asked about his eviction: "I'm a man!" "I have tribal tattoos!" "I'm 98 Degrees' long-lost fifth member!" Ah, Jeff, we still Do (Cherish You).
Either way, Daniele's going to be excited to see who follows her in the jury house, no? I'm throwing things over to you now, fellow Big Brother fans: How sad was Jeff's fall from grace? Do you, like me, think that Adam is the Jerry of season 13? Unlikeable, useless, and unable to do, well, anything? Can Shelly actually win this whole game? Don't you want to jump in a ball pit? Aren't clowns terrifying? And do you have any Ambien?
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