"MUST...NOT...TOUCH...BANGS..." Ashley exercises impressive self-control at the Proposal Platform
The plane! The plane! Check out Harrison, rocking an homage to Mr. Rourke with his white-on-white shirt-tie ensemble. Oh my gosh, you guys, who's going to get out first? Whose dreams of love are about to be crushed
until January 2012 forever...? Aw, crap. It's Ben. And just to rub a little salt in the wound, he's telling us how "proud" his dad would be on this day. "Life moves on, and this is the next step -- it's a new addition to the family," says Ben, choking up. "I lost one four and a half years ago, and I gain another one today." Oh my god this is just brutal. Ben greets Ashley with a hopeful observation -- "Well, you don't have a ring on your finger..." -- and then cuts her off before she can give him the bad news. "Before you say anything, I'm totally confident in how I feel in us, but what I love about you and I is that every time we spend together is better than the time before. Every second that I spend with you makes me fall a little deeper in love with you..." Ashley, say something. Now. "I want to thank you for allowing me to feel completely and utterly vulnerable and open with you..." For the love of God woman stop him! "...and it makes what I'm about to do a whole lot easier..." Do not let him get down on one knee you mealymouthed moron!!!! "Will you marry me? Make me the happiest man on earth."
Of course, it's only then that Ashley opens her stupid mouth. After an excruciating pause, she finally chokes out, "I'm sorry... I know that this is unexpected and I want you to know that this is the hardest thing I've done here." Oh really? The hardest thing you've done in two months? Wow, what a consolation. I'm feeling so many complicated emotions right now it's hard to put them into words, but let me try: ASHLEY, YOU SUCK! It seems Ben's prevailing emotion is also anger, because he wants no part of her weepy woe-is-me apologies. "I guess that's it, right?" he snaps, and then turns on his heel to leave... but of course she can't let him have his dignity, can she? "Ben!" she wails, hobbling after him in her furry pink mermaid costume. "I want you to know, I feel so blessed to just have met you and to be part of your life. You are one of the most interesting, smart, funny -- " Enough! Ben's through listening to her squeaky pleas. "What I don't need you to do is sugarcoat it," he says shortly. "You can't leave something like this on good terms. It's impossible. I don't know how you want me to feel, but I've trusted my gut this entire time... and right now I'm in utter shock and disbelief. Things don't end unless they end badly." Then, with a voice dipped in acid and rolled in broken glass, he says his goodbyes: "JP's a wonderful guy. I'm sure you'll have a nice life together." On the long walk back to the Reject Dinghy, Ben is still reeling. "I don't know what the f--k just happened," he sighs. Really, Team Bachelorette? You're gonna make his sad little boat drive right by the Proposal Platform? Way to secure your spot in Hell.
NEXT: "What the f--k is she talkin' about?"