To Chrystie's credit, she doesn't sugarcoat things with JP, telling him straight to his face that she just doesn't see them together. "I was totally not expecting that," smirks Jape, turning red. Then he puts on the hard sell, "Every time I'm around Ashley, I smile ear to ear," says JP. "I am 100 percent in love with her." Interesting, but not good enough for Mistress Body Art. Why, she wonders, has 34-year-old JP not found anyone yet, and, more importantly, "What does he want with my much younger sister?" Meanwhile, JP basically has no answer to this, other than to insist -- somewhat weakly -- that he's not set in his ways. That's when Chrystie delivers the death blow: "I told [Ashley] I felt like I saw more of you when you brought Brad home." Ouch. Also: Perhaps the most rational, honest thing a family member has ever said in this history of this franchise. (Side note for Team Bachelorette: Chrystie is single and I'd sure as hell love to spend eleven weeks next summer watching her pick a husband out of 25 tattooed suitors. Or else I am going to divorce my husband, fly to wherever she lives, and marry her.) Not surprisingly, all of this honesty makes JP angry. "Talk about judging somebody," he snarls. "She doesn't even know me." He then whines to Ashley about how the whole thing wasn't "fair," and the Bachelorette's response -- "I think I just need to figure it out" -- turns his frown into a power pout. "I thought you had figured it out." Oh, knock it off, cueball. To quote a wise man named Conan O'Brien, "Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get."
The next day, the forces of light and darkness collide poolside to do battle over the true meaning of love. Is it about "being inspired," as the golden-haired Bachelorette insists, or is it about "is this really going to work out," as the raven-haired Defender of Sanity and Body Art declares? The fight's a bloody one, with Chrystie questioning the core of Ashley's very being -- "Who are you, then?" she wonders -- and the Bachelorette deriding Chrystie's actual perception of reality: "We're in a different world!" But in the end, dark triumphs over light, who once again breaks down in tears. "You're being such a bitch!" she shouts. "Why can't you feel for me for a second?" Chrystie, bless her heart, does not back down. "I don't feel like I want to baby you," she says. "You're an adult... I'm trying to protect you from yourself." Testify! After all, this is the woman whose gut reaction said Bentley was a good guy.
Poor Ben wanders into this familial minefield with his typical easy-going vibe and good humor. "I was a boy when I got here," he tells Ashley's clan. "I'm a man now." Though everyone seems to be getting along nicely, there's clearly still some tension between Ashley and her sister. "What do you think -- was this what you expected?" snipes the Bachelorette, before breaking into a weird wave-dance and shouting, "Party! Come on, let's have a party!" Befuddled Ben says quietly, "I don't know what that means." Don't worry, honey -- neither do we.
NEXT: Ben and Ashley take an "erotic" mud bath