Bachelor in Paradise recap: Cave dwellers

Marcus and Lacy go deeper, Jesse's d-baggery reaches new lows, and the final two men arrive in Paradise.
Ep. 06 | Aired Sep 1, 2014

THE LOOK OF "LOVE" Hey Neil Lane, you might want to get a ginormous and gaudy ring ready for these two.

Francisco Roman/ABC

Anyhow, Brooks knows he has to bring his A-game if he wants to stay, so he borrows someone's nail polish and gives Jackie a manicure. And she LOVES it. "[Zack has] been really sweet, but then Brooks came in, and Brooks is just so funny, and he's the kind of guy who will have me laughing nonstop," says Jackie.

As for Christy, she's happily moved on to Tasos... until Jesse busts out some rudimentary reverse psychology in (say it with me) a last ditch act of desperation. "I'm gonna make this easy—I'm walking away," he tells Christy, and then he proceeds to make this proclamation to the assembled Bippers: "I'm leaving, and I actually came here and accomplished everything I want to accomplish." So, I guess, getting one last use out of your white blazer before Labor Day officially ends? Everyone hugs Jesse goodbye, but no one bothers to tell him there's a huge-ass bug climbing up his back.

Meanwhile, Michelle and Lacy are sitting with Christy at the giant tree table telling her she owes it to herself—nay, to all of womankind!—to tell Jesse the Jerk off before he leaves Paradise. "The women allow it, so guys think it's okay to treat women like this," fumes Lacy. "It's not okay!" OMG, thinks Christy, she's totally right! and huffs off to Jesse's Reject SUV, which is conveniently still sitting in the driveway. "I know what you did to me, Lucy, and Jackie," she says, leaning awkwardly into the back seat. "It's not right!"

Soon enough, Lacy and Michelle crowd in to take their shots—Michelle, especially, goes on and on about how "disrespectful" Jesse's been to the other women before finally offering a magnanimous, "This is between you two."

Let's wrap this up, shall we? Lacy gives her rose to Marcus, AshLee gives hers to Graham, Sarah goes for Robert, Michelle hands it over to Cody, Christy chooses Tasos, and Jackie offers her rose to… Zack? Wow, I really thought Wolfman Brooks had it all locked up. Must have been a pretty crappy manicure.

The Bippers—all happily coupled up and already two out of three sheets to the wind—are all set to drink themselves into oblivion yet again until Harrison arrives with his twist on Julie Chen's "expect the unexpected" non-bombshell: "Tomorrow, everything's about to change here in Paradise." (Let's just pretend that his next sentence was "It's going to be a cash bar.")

What will happen next? If the previews are any indication, the answer is a lot of kissing, a lot of crying, and someone leaving suddenly via a red Reject Cab. Who will it be? God, I'm so happy that after next week I'll never have to care again. How about you, rose lovers? Post your thoughts on Jesse, Cody, and whatever the holy hell crawled inside Brooks' shirt. Don't forget to check out Chris Harrison's exclusive blog over on PopWatch. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to preemptively fumigate my home.

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