Bachelor in Paradise recap: Cave dwellers

Marcus and Lacy go deeper, Jesse's d-baggery reaches new lows, and the final two men arrive in Paradise.
Ep. 06 | Aired Sep 1, 2014

THE LOOK OF "LOVE" Hey Neil Lane, you might want to get a ginormous and gaudy ring ready for these two.

Francisco Roman/ABC

Of course, Brooks still flirts up a storm with Sarah as soon as he gets home, which Robert might have noticed if he weren't so busy fumigating his scalp with hairspray. To be fair, Robert was primping for a surprise beach rendezvous he planned for Sarah. And it's a good thing he did because between her initial "'Oh sh--' moment" and planning a Whole Foods shopping outing for her first date with Robert in the "real world," Sarah realizes that Brooks isn't the one that she wants (ooh ooh ooh, honey).

Elsewhere on the beach, Michelle—who had been planning to yank Cody's heart out of his chest by sending him packing—changes her mind/chickens out after he offers her some vague assurances. "I know I'm scaring you, but it comes from the heart," Cody explains. "I'll give you as much space as you need." Michelle's all, Sold! Now pucker up, beef boy. Now that that's settled, Michelle can spend her energies trying to save Christy from Jesse—and herself. Disgusted by Kovacs' general douchebaggery, Ms. Money marches away to tell the clueless blonde that Jesse is bragging about his sexual conquests with her and Lucy. "At this point, I want to go home," says the crestfallen Christy. "But I'll leave that in God's hands."

Cue the chorus of angels: Here comes... Tasos. Wait, seriously? What was it about this picture that says "That's a guy the ladies are really gonna go for"? But hey, anything's better than Kovacs—which is precisely why Michelle pushes Tasos to take Christy on a date. (And yes, Jesse, it is a little racist for you to keep calling him "Taco.") We don't really need to talk about the date, right? Honestly, the only way Tasos won't get Christy's rose is if he murders a pregnant sea turtle in front of her on their date.

Hey now/You're an all star/Get your game on/Go play… Beach activities montage!

Zack—whose name I've been spelling wrong this whole time and yet I can't bring myself to care—gets the next date card. Of course he scrambles to ask Jackie, in hopes that he can snatch her back from Brooks. Why no "comical" montage about AshLee hulking out because she didn't get to go on a date, Team BiP? Just because she doesn't have muscles like Cody doesn't mean she's not capable of eating one of your legs like a chicken bone.

Jackie. Zack. Caves. Margaritas. Star lamps.

Rose ceremony roll call!

Couple count:
Lacy & Marcus
Michelle & Cody
AshLee & Graham
Sarah & Robert

Up for grabs:
Brooks
Zack
Tasos
Jesse
Jackie

Jesse makes a few Hail Mary attempts to humanize himself, telling everyone that he knows this is a "once-in-a-lifetime experience" and that they'll totes be BFFs after the show is over. Plus, he informs Harrison, "If you have this, like, last ditch act of desperation, that's a bad move." Yes, yes it is.

Zack's last minute act of desperation involves pulling a string bracelet from the hotel gift shop out of his pocket and tying it on Jackie's wrist: "You put the bracelet on, and you make a wish. At some point, it will fall off—and that means your wish will come true." Or your fingers will fall off because Zack tied it so tight he cut off circulation to your hand—one or the other. (Side note: Look at that sweet catering spread!)

NEXT: Paradise? For giant scary bugs maybe.  


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