Bachelor in Paradise recap: When sleazeballs attack

Please welcome Mr. Jesse Kovacs and his indiscriminate sexual appetite to Tulum!
Ep. 05 | Aired Aug 26, 2014

JESSE'S WORLD He's not as think as you drunk he is.

ABC

Let's pause for a moment to ponder Christy's important question: "There's so much booze and no one's drinking it! Why?"

Maybe because Lucy and Jesse drank it all? To Jesse's credit, though, he's still able to get a boner (his words) while inebriated as he and "f---ing what's-her-nuts" (his words) grope each other in the dark. Once they get back, though, Christy convinces herself that Jesse was just being a good Samaritan when he agreed to go on the date with Lucy. "Wanna make out now or later?" she asks him. (Answer: now.) Wouldn't you know it? Lucy's feeling frisky too, and Team BiP implies that she jumped into bed with Jesse and Christy so the three of them could get busy under the silver glow of the night-vision cam. What really happened? We'll have to wait until After the Final STD. (Props to Breia Brissey for the title.)

Rose ceremony role call!

Couple count:
Lacy & Marcus
Sarah & Robert
AshLee & Graham
Michelle & Cody

Free agents:
Zach
Jesse
Christy
Lucy
Jackie

"At this point, your hearts are on the line," intones Chris Harrison, clocking in for his 4.7 seconds of screen time before heading back to his phat hotel suite. "Next time I see you, it'll be at the rose ceremony." Cody, bless his heart, can't wait to reveal his choice: "I'm gonna tell you right now you got my rose!" he announces to Michelle, who responds with an uncomfortable laugh. It soon becomes pretty clear which chick Zach's going to pick; he pulls Jackie aside and tells her, "I came here wanting to meet you." Other than that the only suspense centers on whether Jesse is going to share his bed with Lucy or Christy tonight... but that, too, is soon dispelled after he poses this question to Christy: "You want to stay and hang out—with me, specifically?" Survey says… yes please!

But Lucy the free spirit does not want to go home after just one day, so she attempts to sabotage Christy's chances. "Last night, when you, like, crawled into the bed, she was like half asleep and she was like, 'I thought it was you, Lucy until I felt a beard.'" So... I guess she's telling him that Christy swings both ways? Like he's going to care?

Let's get this over with:

Robert ----> Sarah

Graham ----> AshLee

Cody ----> Michelle

Marcus ----> Lacy… but he doesn't just give her the rose; first he declares his love (Jesse's rolling-his-eyes reaction shot for the win!) and then they make out for a full 23 seconds (Chris Harrison's smiling, look-what-I-did reaction shot for the double win!).

Zach ----> Jackie

Jesse ----> Christy!

Sorry, Lucy, but you're gonna have to peddle your "free spirit" wares elsewhere. Don't think of it as going home alone, though; you're probably taking a little piece of Jesse–in the form of a virus or other bodily-fluid-borne ailment—with you. Congrats!

So, rose lovers, we survived. And after four hours of Bachelor in Paradise, I have so… many… questions: Were Cody and Michelle reading the same book at the hotel, or was she actually teaching him how to read? Was it alcohol or just general dimwittedness that caused Lacy to call Jesse a "great sales carsman"? And would you rather accept a rose from AshLee... or kiss Marcus' hairy left nipple? Post your thoughts now. And be sure to check out Chris Harrison's exclusive blog over on PopWatch. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go see the medic.

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