Bachelor in Paradise recap: When sleazeballs attack

Please welcome Mr. Jesse Kovacs and his indiscriminate sexual appetite to Tulum!
Ep. 05 | Aired Aug 26, 2014

JESSE'S WORLD He's not as think as you drunk he is.


Indeed, reliving her "I like f---ing you" Juan Pablo nightmare is too much for Clare to handle as well, so she tells Team BiP to order a car and begins packing her bags. But before she leaves Clare wants to wake Zach up and yell at him one more time. Having failed to heed the red flags with Juan Pablo, she tells him, she'll be damned if she makes that mistake again. "I think it's best that I'm going home tonight," she concludes, pausing for the No! Please stay! protestation from Zach that never comes. "This is why I just wanted to do Dancing with the Stars," she tells Team BiP ruefully. Seriously—was that even an option? How on earth would they have introduced her? She did the X-rated tango with Juan Pablo in the ocean and now she's ready to two-step—please welcome Clare Crawley!

On the bright side, "There's a rose for everyone," says Michelle—thereby ensuring that there won't, in fact, be a rose for everyone. Welcome Lucy, a.k.a. the naked chick from Juan Pablo's season. "I don't think she had a bra on; I don't think she had any panties on," says Cody, incredulously. And soon, she doesn't have a shirt on either. "Lucy's had her t--s out since she got here," notes Sarah warily. The guys—especially Jesse—LOVE it, and he readily accepts Lucy's offer for a date. It's a blow to Christy's ego, but don't worry—she's got a plan: "Maybe when I, like, have two glasses of champagne I might think I'm a little bit hotter."

Let's pause for a moment to ponder Jesse's important question: Once you've seen a girl's t--s, where do you go from there?

Man, Team BiP, did you really have to make Michelle's first date with Cody an engagement photo shoot? That's just cold. "I hope these pictures are up on our wall someday," gushes Cody, as Michelle pumps the breaks frantically in her head. And when Michelle Money wants to pull back from a relationship, you know something's gone horribly awry. In order to guarantee her nervous breakdown, Team BiP sends the duo in to change for another set-up, and naturally there's a wedding gown waiting for Michelle in the dressing room. Heed your own advice, girl, and just… say… no.

"I feel like this intensifies everything," she explains to a producer. "I want to do the opposite of that!" But Michelle is a good Bachelor Nation soldier, and eventually she dons the dress and heads to the beach. "It's fake! It's not real!" shouts Michelle at some curious passersby. Then she tries to drown herself in the ocean, but Cody and his tightie-whities aren't going to let that happen.

Question: Do you think Team BiP planned a racing date for AshLee and Graham because they figured if one of them got in a wreck at least it would put Graham out of his misery? Or maybe they just wanted to force Graham to make this tortured simile: "I think my relationship with AshLee has been a lot like our date tonight. You get into this beautiful vehicle—and AshLee is a beautiful girl—and you start off slow and you try to get used to how it handles, but the further you go and the more time you spend with it, the more comfortable you get, and the easier it is to steer." Jesus, really? That makes those painful "love is like a leap of faith" bungee jumping analogies sound like poetry.

NEXT: Jesse makes a love connection with "f---ing what's-her-nuts"

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