Bachelor in Paradise recap: When sleazeballs attack

Please welcome Mr. Jesse Kovacs and his indiscriminate sexual appetite to Tulum!
Ep. 05 | Aired Aug 26, 2014

JESSE'S WORLD He's not as think as you drunk he is.

ABC

And they're off to the quaint city of Valladolid, where they sample chocolates and drink cervezas in the sun. Jesse tries to assess how needy Christy is going to be by inquiring about her past relationships, and her confession that she caught her last boyfriend cheating—"I found a bra in his bed"—makes him visibly nervous. "Have you ever done that?" Christy asks him naïvely. Of course not, Jesse assures her, adding that he can only guess how a douchebag would act in that scenario: "Deny, deny, deny, deny."

Woof! Look out, Jesse—Barky the Bulls--- Sniffing Dog is here, and he's on to you. He's obviously trying to warn Christy, but she doesn't speak dog. Jesse, she raves, "is not trying to manipulate me in any way."

We return to Planet Reality just in time for Sarah's date with Robert. As annoying as I found Robert early in the season, his stock has risen dramatically with me now that he's chosen the most likable woman of the bunch. "Tonight's the night that we're finally going to kiss," predicts Sarah. "I hope we can make out all night long." Cut to: the two of them banging their heads together as they both reach down to grab something during dinner. Sure, mild head trauma can put a damper on the mood, but that doesn't explain why Robert still doesn't make a move once he and Sarah strip down to their swimsuits and take a dip in the candlelit pool. "Come ON!" groans Sarah to Team BiP… and just when we think it's not going to happen Robert finally goes in for the kiss. Cue the orchestra!

Back at Paradise Hotel, Cody paints Michelle Money's toenails. "He's kind of just throwing himself out there to see if she bites," worries the now-recovered Lacy. Don't be so critical, girlfriend! Cody is all-in with Michelle because she's "a real person" and they "connect on a different level." And Michelle's all-in because free vacation in Mexico. "Can you believe how big your quads are?" she marvels, in an attempt to change the subject away from romance. "Like, they're so large."

Also large? Christy's appetite for booze. "I could be leaving in two days—I want to get wasted!" she announces to the group after returning from her date with Jesse. Is it any wonder, then, that Zach is "having second thoughts" about turning her down? Having those thoughts is one thing, Zach—expressing them is another, especially if you want to keep your bits and pieces intact. Don't do it, buddy! "For me, and I'm just trying to be real and honest with you..." No! Real and honest is not the way to go here! "...I'm just trying to figure out if a relationship for us is, like, the right thing to do." Oh crap, now you've done it dude.

And he doesn't stop there. "It just got very intense very quickly, and I wasn't prepared for that," Zach continues. "I do feel like we've pushed things a little too quickly." You can practically see Clare's blood pressure spiking as she absorbs this unwanted dose of truth. "Either you want it or you don't want it!" she snaps. (Pssst, Zach: Choose option B!) With that, she huffs off into the jungle sobbing. "Drama the whole f---ing time!" she wails. "I'm having a panic attack on f---ing national television, looking like a f---ing fool. AGAIN!" It's too much for her raccoon to bear, so he scurries away into the darkness.

NEXT: "I don't think she had any panties on"


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