Bachelor in Paradise recap: When sleazeballs attack

Please welcome Mr. Jesse Kovacs and his indiscriminate sexual appetite to Tulum!
Ep. 05 | Aired Aug 26, 2014

JESSE'S WORLD He's not as think as you drunk he is.

ABC

Welcome to part two of this week's Bachelor in Paradise biathlon. I hope everyone is staying hydrated and that your vaccines are up to date.

Though most of you were probably watching the Emmys last night, I'm guessing the lengthy "previously on" recap got you up to speed, so let's just dive right in. We open with Graham hyperventilating after bolting from the rose ceremony. "I'm just gettin' ready to pass out," he tells Michelle, who of course followed him backstage. "I think I need to see the medic." Isn't the human body a wonderful thing, rose lovers? All this time Graham's brain has been avoiding the obvious red flags about Ash "two-faced crazy-stalker-eyes" Lee, so his body just took control and shut him down before he could make one more bad decision. Meanwhile, AshLee just stands placidly on her mark, "waiting for her moment to get back on [camera]," sneers Clare.

Just say no, Graham! Just say no! Michelle Money speaks for us all as AshLee take-twos her "will you accept this rose," but unfortunately the sweaty fool says, "I will." Lacy—apparently struck with the same anxiety-virus that nearly felled Graham—suddenly feels nauseated and runs out to the bathroom to hurl. Somebody call the Ambulancia! Lacy needs fluids and more attention from the cameras—STAT!

Back at the Tiki Huts, producers herd the contestants back into their places and continue the rose ceremony. Michelle gives her rose to Cody, Sarah gives her rose to Robert, and Jackie gives her rose to... Jesse. Sorry, Marquel, but you'll be joining Kalon back at the Reject Hotel for some 24-hour room service and regret. It's too bad, because before he came on this show I really thought Marquel might be a smart pick for the Bachelor, but now he's just damaged, giant-glasses-wearing goods. Godspeed, Cookie Monster. There's always Bachelor in Paradise 2.

And it's a new day, rose lovers. "There's love in Paradise everywhere," Clare assures us. Sarah and Robert, Lacy and Marcus, Cody and Michelle—even "AshLee the Bitch" and sweaty Graham are getting along. As for Clare and Zach? "We're unbreakable," she declares—thereby ensuring that their relationship will, in fact, shatter into tiny pieces this week. Enter Christy, who's identified Zach as her "number one choice." Coincidentally enough, Zach says Christy was a woman he had "on my list" heading into Paradise… and it literally just dawned on me that of course Team BiP had all the contestants fill out "Which Former Contestants Would You Most Like to Bang?" questionnaires and then cast accordingly. Sometimes, I'm slow on the uptake—two episode weeks are rough.

So Zach, what say you? Which is more appealing: A date with a hot blonde or protecting yourself from Clare's white-hot wrath? Clearly Zach wants the former, but he's too afraid of the latter to act. "I wouldn't be doing her right if I did go on a date," he tells Christy reluctantly. And he sounds downright depressed as he relates the news to Clare. "So I guess, here's to a good day...?" I guess.

With no options left, Christy asks Jesse on a date, praying to the gods of romance that he is "completely different" from her "liar, cheater, coward" ex-boyfriend—thereby ensuring, of course, that Jesse will, in fact, be exactly like her ex-boyfriend. (Let's all take a moment to scream at the screen like we're watching a horror movie: Don't open the door, you dumb betch!)

NEXT: "I found a bra in his bed!"

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