Ahoy! Fresh man meat dead ahead! Oh sheesh, it's Kalon, captain of the rented helicopter and the man who referred to Emily Maynard's little girl as "baggage." Seriously, Team BiP, are you trying to make poor Michelle—also the mother of a little girl—have a nervous breakdown? "He's… an asshole," explains Ms. Money. Naturally, Kalon asks her on a date, and naturally she tells the soulless Patrick Bateman wannabe where he can stick that date card… What's that? She said yes? Not just yes but "I would love that"? Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Now someone had better hide the knives from me. At least Michelle knows she done messed up: "This is my own fault," she sighs. Yes, yes it is, my dear. When Kalon zip-lines right into your t--s, you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
By the morning, though, Michelle's worked up enough courage to tell Kalon to go f--- himself and his date card. And she is not alone. Kalon next tries Jackie, who politely explains that spending more than 30 seconds with him would not be "beneficial" to her gag reflex, while Sarah sends the '80s movie villain away with a completely unconvincing "good luck." ("Kalon wouldn't get close enough to my mouth for me to throw up in his mouth if he kissed me," she deadpans later.) So Bachelor Nation's resident d-bag decides let the earth swallow him up on a solo rappelling date.
All right, Jesse—you're going to really have to screw up hardcore not to get a rose this week. Yes, Mr. Jesse "he's old" Kovacs from Jillian's season just arrived, and even though he's known as a bit of a "playboy," Jackie likes what she sees. "He seems like a cool guy—and he's really attractive." And with that, she accepts his invitation for a date. Sorry, Marquel. Karma, she is a bitch, no?
Knowing he's got one night to convince Jackie to give him a rose, Jesse eschews things like "small talk" and "chit-chat" and heads right into "man the lower half of your body is smokin'!" and "I'm totally here for you" territory. Never mind that he is so obviously lying to her about his lack of "strategy"—Jackie is totally buying what he's selling.
Are you serious, Team BiP? A private concert in a Mexican cave? I don't know whether to weep or launch an Emmy campaign on your behalf.
Back at Hotel Hormones, Zach and AshLee are lounging in a hammock together, under the watchful eye of a robot camera. AshLee thinks Zach should start to extricate himself from Clare's clutches, just in case a better hottie washes up on shore next week. "I love Clare, but… cuckoo!" she tells Zach, who's polite enough not to reply, "Well that's the pot calling the kettle bats---." And lo, AshLee's not done throwing her frenemy under the bus: "She f---ed a guy in the ocean—are you kidding me?" Zach does NOT love it. "I could care less about stuff that happened on Juan Pablo's season," he says. "I am surprised that she brought it up." Not as surprised as AshLee is when she realizes a camera was, in fact, recording them the whole time. Girl, did you seriously think there were any blind spots in Paradise? This isn't Team BiP's first time at the reality TV rodeo, you numbskull. Hell, there's probably a camera filming me right now.
NEXT: "It's about time AshLee got caught"