Well, rose lovers, I'm not going to pretend I understand why Team BiP chose to subject us to two episodes this week—and one on Emmy night, no less. But as members of Bachelor Nation, ours is not to question why... because if we start doing that, how many of us would remain members of Bachelor Nation? Exactly.
Anyhow, we rejoin the BiPpers right after Chris and Elise's dramatic rose ceremony exit, and wouldn't you know it? Michelle Money is still crying. Eventually everyone walks in the silver light of the full moon (technically) back to the Tiki Huts, where they find a waiting date card. Sarah, would you like to "set sail" with Robert tomorrow? Hell to the yes! Oh God, Michelle, are you crying again? "I'm starting to wonder what's wrong with me?" she whimpers. "All the guys here know I have a daughter, and I think it's a lot of pressure." There, there, girlfriend. More boys will be arriving momentarily.
As down in the dumps as Miss Money is, she's still gracious enough to give Sarah a killer side braid for her date with Robert. On to the catamaran! (I refuse to acknowledge that Team BiP made Sarah say "This is definitely turning into Sarah-dise." Oh crap—I just acknowledged it!)
Just as Michelle reiterates for the 129th time how much it "sucks" to be "alone" in "paradise," up strolls—or should I say cartwheels—Cody the Kewpie-doll-haired personal trainer from Andi's season. "Maybe this guy is my guy," muses Ms. Money, who is clearly lowering her standards by the minute. Better lower 'em even further, honey, because Cody wants to have his first date with… Clare! (Um, Team BiP, it might be time to remove the knives and sleeping pills from the premises... no way of telling how deep Michelle's self-hate hole is going to sink after this.)
Clare, though, is "all the way into Zach," so there's no way she's going out with another dude without talking to him first. "If a girl got a date card and rolled in here, and I was like, 'It's up to you,' what would you say?" she asks Zach, who answers… poorly. "I think it just depends on who the girl was." And Clare does NOT love it. She's all, Oh, so THAT'S how it is. Then maybe I'll take my eggs out of your basket and give them to the dude with the thick neck and stupid hair! In the end, though, Clare politely declines Cody's invitation—and Cody, bless his big dumb heart, gives the date card to Marcus. (Yeah, like we need more shots of those two getting all schmoopy with each other.)
So to recap: Michelle is going to die alone; Clare wants a lifelong commitment from Zach after five days together; Sarah is experiencing much-deserved happiness on a boat with Robert; and Marcus has some sort of "I love you" Tourette's. ("He accidentally slipped and told me that he loved me," reports Lacy, beaming. "My heart is beating so fast... and I want to say it so badly back!")
In an effort to repair his "relationship" with Clare, Zach pulls her aside to the grotto lounge and declares his love like feeling that's a step above indifference. "I want to keep this going and I think it's only fair for us to, kind of, give it a shot between us." Sold! They make out (and share some of Clare's residual peanut butter) on the Mexican blanket pillows.
NEXT: Kalon is denied at every turn