Before the night ends, let's check in on the romantic leaderboard one more time:
Fairly solid couples:
Chris & Elise
AshLee & Graham
Lacy & Marcus
Clare & Zach
I think we can all see where this is going for poor Danielle—so really the only question is, will Robert pick Michelle or Sarah? If his stilted conversation with the former before the rose ceremony—complete with an eight-second awkward pause—is any indication, Michelle will end the night with one ticket out of paradise. Let's get this rose ceremony over with before that wind blows the Tiki Huts into the ocean.
Graham gives his rose to AshLee.
Zach gives his rose to Clare.
Marcus gives his rose to Lacy.
Marquel gives his rose to... Jackie! And she actually accepts, despite the hideously loud shirt Marquel is wearing. (Maybe that's why he has to wear such huge glasses—the searingly bright colors of his wardrobe must have damaged his retinas.)
Robert gives his rose to... Sarah! And she accepts, even though he's such a dolt he only packed blue shirts for this trip.
To everyone's surprise, though, Chris decides to take his throbbing, busted knee out of Paradise—but that's not the surprising part. The real shocker is that he doesn't use this as an excuse to escape Elise and her rainbow-laden metaphors. "I'm gonna go home," he tells her, "but I want you to go home with me." The rest of the Bippers are all Huh? Whaa?? Is the syphilis finally affecting his brain? As a parting gift, Chris tearfully (!) hands his rose over to Bachelor Nation's mascot, Michelle Money.
Team BiP sends Elise and Chris off with a gauzy montage of their overnight "journey" to love—from slamming shots together to groping each other in the ocean. "They've known each other for three days and now she's off to Chicago with him," marvels Lacy. Jokes Graham, "Last I heard she was buying Boston gear, and now she's a Cubs fan!"
Oh, and see you later Danielle.
So, rose lovers, what say you? Was Chris high on pain meds when he invited Elise home or is Bachelor Nation's resident man-whore finally ready to settle down? Do you like Robert one bazillion times more now that he chose Sarah over Michelle? (I sure as hell do.) And holy schnikes, two episodes next week? How on earth will we handle all the "crazy drama"? Post your thoughts below! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison's exclusive blog over on PopWatch. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go have nightmares about giant flying cockroaches.