Once they land, Team BiP make Elise and Chris take a nice loooong walk through "the beautiful and historic streets of Campeche," just to make sure Chris is in pure agony by the time they sit down to dinner. Still, the d-bag remains undaunted. "I'm always horny, so I'm not going to let it stop me," he tells us. "She's super hot, and I just want to spend the night together." Well pal, if it's up to Elise, you'll be spending a lot more time together than that. "You showed me you were ready to take on anything," she coos. "That's what I need in my life. That's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. And trust me, you will be blessed for being so sweet to me." (Blessed? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?)
Anyhow, Chris grits his teeth and swallows the torturous sensation of 1,000 stabbing fire-knives in his knee. He somehow even manages to smile while he tries to talk Elise into forgoing their individual rooms and shacking up together for the night like the couple they will never be. "We could enjoy the pool a little bit and build off of what we got going on," he drones with a pained grin. Elise, bless her heart, doesn't need much convincing. After a few cursory smooches in the pool, Chris mumbles, "Let's just go," and they head to the not-quite-a-fantasy suite. With that—and a few additional out of context grunts from Chris edited in for your viewing pleasure—we fade to black.
Back at Paradise Hotel, Michelle and Clare finish primping and head out to meet Robert and Zach for a "surprise" double date. "Hey boys," calls Clare coyly as they stride up the path bearing cocktails. Meanwhile, poor Sarah sits alone twirling her hair anxiously. "What upsets me about it is now I'm left here completely alone," she says. "I feel like some prettier, well-put-together girl swooped in and had the confidence to do what I didn't." (Confidence is right: At this very moment Michelle is in Robert's face declaring, "Did you know I'm actually really into you?") The whole experience is like a punch to Sarah's already-bruised ego. "I've always felt like an outcast," she says tearfully. "I really tried to come here not having that mentality… It just feels like [Robert] wants one of these perfectly put together Bachelor girls." Don't cry, honey—this is a good thing! Lips that touch Michelle Money should never touch yours.
Also, it's not like people are going to stay coupled up for long. Don't you hear that sexy guitar refrain heralding the arrival of another maneater? Welcome, Jackie from Sean's season—it's nice to not remember you at all! Because Marquel is not the only guy who doesn't have a woman sitting aggressively close to him in a "back off, bitch" kind of way, Jackie—who arrived with a date card—asks him to accompany her. Cue the sad trombone for Danielle. "I guess I just assumed if you go on a date and have a good time, you go on a second date," she sighs. Oh Danielle, you know what happens when we assume…
NEXT: "Chris is my man now—forever"