I'm just going to put this out there, rose lovers: I miss the competitions. Those stupid, spandex-requiring, chocolate-sauce-wasting, self-esteem-destroying competitions. If only Team Bachelor in Paradise could throw in a surfside pie-eating contest, this show would be perfect.
But what BiP lacks in humiliating games it makes up for in 100 percent pure-cut crazy. It's only week two and already the show has morphed into a To Catch a Predator-style Dateline report involving Michelle K., a crew member named Ryan, and a whole lotta terrible judgment. Harrison lays out the sequence of events:
A few days before production: The BiP contestants and crew stayed in a mustard-colored hotel, where Michelle K. "struck up a flirtation" with Ryan, who was in the room adjoining hers. Eventually, they unlocked the door between their rooms, and, well... "You can only imagine where it went from there," smirks Harrison.
The morning after the rose ceremony: Harrison and a crew of production ninjas descend on Michelle K.'s room, but she shuts the door in the host's face and refuses to chat.
Eventually: Michelle lets a producer into her room and admits that she cares for Ryan, who brought her floss and flowers, but doesn't want to talk to Chris because "he's just the host!" Dayum, girl. That's cold.
Well, okay—so it's Rozlyn all over again, right? WRONG! "Here's where this story takes a shocking and bizarre turn," says Harrison. Do tell!
The night Michelle K. left the show: She returned to her hotel room, where Ryan joined her. Someone knocked at the door. The duo panicked, and, explains Harrison in his best Chris Hansen gotcha voice, "That's when Mr. Ryan Putz made a fateful decision."
Mr Ryan Putz. People, this man's last name is, in fact, P-U-T-Z "putz." As in penis. And if that isn't beautiful enough for you, listen to this thrillingly dehumanizing explanation of what happened next from Lauren, a BiP "cast handler": "So I was walking one of our kick-offs, Daniella, to her room with our psychiatrist..." I won't ruin the beauty of those 16 words by transcribing the rest of Lauren's story, but the long and the short of it is Lauren knocked on Michelle's door, was suspiciously rebuffed, and a few seconds later someone threw a crash test dummy from Michelle's second-story balcony. Or, rather, Putz jumped and landed with a bone-cracking thud.
It's okay, Lauren. Go ahead and laugh. Putz is a pretty funny name.
Speaking of Mr. Penis, he did, in fact, break bones in both of his legs. And in case the loss of his dignity wasn't complete, some other Team BiP producer brings a camera into his hotel room and—like Bart Simpson making a prank call to Moe—asks Ryan two questions: "Was that a good idea or what?" and "[What's] your full name?" (Dude, you should have just said Seymore Butts.)
We now join Bachelor in Paradise's game of sexual musical chairs, already in progress...
Couples: Marcus and Lacy; Graham and Ashley; Dylan and Elise.
Free agents: Sarah, Clare, Ben.
Status unclear: Rob, Marquel, Michelle M.
Everybody up to speed? Great—because just when you thought it was safe to assume you have the mental capacity to keep all of these shiny white people (and Marquel) straight, in walks Bachelor Nation's town bike, Chris Bukowski. "Through the grapevine I heard that he's not a very nice guy," worries Marcus. "I hope he's not thinking about stealing anybody's women." Of course that's what he's thinking about, silly! The women have the roses this week, so it's every d-bag for himself.
NEXT: "Vibing" in the moonlight