'America's Next Top Model' recap: Roller Girls

I got a brand new pair of roller skates, you got a brand new key, Esther was bound to get the boot this week, Chris was feeling glee. La la la la la la la la... etc. Commercial week is never my favorite -- I don't believe that cringing is entertainment, and these strained, invariably disastrous videos just make me feel tense and sad. But at least some women were paid to be big bitches?

The modeltestants were lounging around the house when Ms. Jay -- still sporting that crazy get-up! Which no one has mentioned! -- swung by with the very adorable Zac Posen. All the women were in like, cruddy pajamas, which is fine for lounging purposes (and...recapping purposes), but I'd be bummed out if the first time I met a fashion superstar, I was in sweats. Zac and Ms. Jay told the models that they'd be walking in a runway show alongside professional models, and then Zac gave some generic advice about having attitude and confidence. Models should have attitudes, in a good way, and confidence. Take a note, dreamers!

This was the perfect opportunity for Ms. Jay to give his patented runway seminar, especially because the women have that stupid runway in their g-d living room. Put on some heels and strut, ladies! But...no. Why don't those sessions happen anymore? They were such key parts of early seasons, when Ms. Jay would wear stilettos and hot pants and show the models how it was done. Plus he was able to imitate everyone's crappy walks, and it was awesome. Come back to us, Ms. Jay of yore. Stop painting on those terrifying and unexplained eyebrows and come back to us. We miss you.

At the runway show, Ms. Jay told the professional models to be big jerks to the modeltestants, because sometimes that's just how the world is. Well, they more than accepted the challenge: They were stone-cold bitches, openly mocking our sad little wannabes, and then brutally disregarding the difference between subjects and objects. "Between you and I" makes the baby Jesus weep. All together now: "Between you and me." Say no to country club English, friends.

Zac adorably beamed at Jane just before the show started, and it was the cutest most honest little glimpse of joy ever. Hee. Too bad I cannot extend similar enthusiasm to the footwear for this runway show. It was seriously Clomptown USA, Population: Cankles. Peep-toe chunky clogs! My eyes! My eyes.

Most of the modeltestants were decent, but Liz was a little too chin-y, and Ann got way psyched out and stumbled during her walk. Oy. As much as I flinched when she wobbled, I flinched even more when the ladies rejoiced backstage, shouting "we're real models now!" Oh, honey. No. Just...no. No.

Chelsey handily won the challenge, but I don't know that she's vivacious or interesting enough to win the competition.

NEXT: Our sweatpants saga continues!

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